Balance, isn't that what everyone is looking for in some way or another? Balance in our relationships, finances, diet, time, power, and everything else in the world? So why is it so hard to find balance? Why can't it just be something easy to figure out and implement?
I am feeling very unbalanced these days (no cheap shots at my mental health here though folks......;) I can't seem to find balance in my eating and working out habits so that I can lose weight. I can't seem to find balance with my time so that I can do what I want and what I need to. I can't seem to find balance in the power struggle with my kids. I can't seem to find balance, and it is wrecking havoc with my psyche. I am tired and grumpy and overwhelmed.
Although I shouldn't feel the need to defend myself, because really anyone who knows me knows how kid-centered I am, I still do feel the need to start on the defensive here, maybe it's the mommy guilt I am feeling. My life is practically all about my kids; when the kids are around (which is always) there is only kid friendly music on, when the kids are around only kid friendly movies and shows are on, I plan and do some many things related to and centered on my kids on a daily basis, so I am in no way, shape or form a selfish mom who only thinks of herself. (I know I don't have to explain that, but again I feel the need to lead with that....) but lately all I want to do is MY stuff. I want to watch MY shows, I want to read MY books, I want to work on MY story, I want to enjoy MY hobbies, I want to focus on me and what I want. I don't want to play candyland, I don't want to watch another episode of between the lions, I don't want to put together another puzzle,.....you get the picture. And because of that, I feel incredibly guilty that I don't want to enjoy my children, or play with them. It's that mommy guilt. It's a lack of balance. I know, I shouldn't feel guilty about wanting me time and wanting things for myself, I know that in my head, but of course my emotions tell me I'm a bad mom and I should feel bad. And I know that I can do both, or at least in theory I should be able to do both, but right now I can't seem to find that balance of kid time and momma time, and because of that I feel this incredible desire to not want to do anything, to just sink into an abyss and stay there.
I find myself always telling the kids when they ask me to do something "maybe after I get done making dinner", "Maybe after I fold this laundry", "Maybe after I do the dishes", "Maybe after I sweep the floor..." you get the picture. and then by the time I get done with all of those things, I have no desire to play with them or do whatever it is they have asked me to do, or maybe even I have forgotten about it completely. And how fair is that to them? I should take advantage of this time that they want to do stuff with me, because really they grow up so darn fast and I won't have this opportunity forever. But yet I feel so overwhelmed with all of my responsibilities and chores, and never-ending to-do list, that I can't ever seem to fully relax and just enjoy my time with my kids. And it makes me sad, and angry, and...... unbalanced. And I know, this too shall pass. It always does, it always has a way of fixing itself or I always find a way to deal with it, it's not like this is some new and novel problem. But at the moment it seems overwhelming.
The last few days I feel like all I have done is yell at the kids, and it is driving me, and them no doubt, nuts. The boys and I are at this stand-still, this battle of the wills. They have been "cleaning" their rooms for literally over a month. In other words, I have sent them to clean thier rooms for hours and hours on end, and nothing gets done, they just play and read and hang out. They have been grounded from TV, Video games, and playing with friends for over a month. All they do every single night, is get sent to their rooms to clean, unless I just can't take it anymore and decide to make it 'family movie night' and watch a show together. I have been threatening at least for the last 2 weeks to go in their rooms and pack EVERYTHING up except their beds & clothes and pack it all away and not give it back in a really long time, if ever. And yet they still don't clean. And I seriously don't have the motivation, time or patience to actually do it. But I need to. I just don't know when I am going to find time for that as well as everything else that needs to be done, or that I just want to do. They just don't care, and it is driving me crazy. Bourbon actually keeps asking me "So when are you going to come pack up my room, because I really want you to, I'm just waiting for you to do it so I don't have to clean it." Seriously? I keep telling him that means his TV, his playstation, all of his toys, books, etc. it will all be gone, and he looks at me and says "yeah, so?" And I mean, who wants to be that parent? The one ALWAYS yelling at them to clean their rooms? The one who won't let them do anything because their room isn't clean? Because I'm not enjoying it at all.
Unbalanced.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Date day with Roman
I try to take the boys on a date with just them every now and again. Bourbon got his date night when we went to see the Christmas Pops! show. This was Roman's weekend for his date, The Wizard of Oz show. Jamie bought season tickets with us to the shows, but decided she really had too much to do to join us saturday, so she gave me her ticket. We decided to invite my neice Meadow out with us on date day!
So on dates, the boys get to pick the place we eat at. Roman loves all things asian, he loves chinese, japanese, vietnamese, you name it, he loves it. He's my adventurous eater, he loves crawdads, he eats the tiny squids and mussels. So when asked where he wanted to go to lunch it was no surprise when he said Musashi's. He loves the samuari decor. :)
Roman enjoys watching them fix our meal right in front of us!
This is Roman's favorite part, the onion tower of fire!
The kids chowed down their food, Roman even enjoyed some sushi with me. He uses chopsticks the whole time, even for his rice. I don't have enough patience for all that. :)
Yum!
Then it was time to head to the Civic center to go see The Wizard of Oz! It was really colorful and fun, and the kids really liked it (of course I did too!)
Then we went to the Friends of the Library book sale at the fair grounds, they have it every Feb. and it is amazing! They sell all hardbacks for $1 and all paperbacks for $0.50!! And they have thousands of books to choose from, any and all varieties!! It is AMAZING! This pic was actually taken today, because when we got there yesterday it was about to close, so we just picked out a couple books and left, and then went back today so we could take our time and find lots of books. I think we ended up with like 40 books for $24. :) Awesome.
What a fun day we had!
So on dates, the boys get to pick the place we eat at. Roman loves all things asian, he loves chinese, japanese, vietnamese, you name it, he loves it. He's my adventurous eater, he loves crawdads, he eats the tiny squids and mussels. So when asked where he wanted to go to lunch it was no surprise when he said Musashi's. He loves the samuari decor. :)
Roman enjoys watching them fix our meal right in front of us!
This is Roman's favorite part, the onion tower of fire!
The kids chowed down their food, Roman even enjoyed some sushi with me. He uses chopsticks the whole time, even for his rice. I don't have enough patience for all that. :)
Yum!
Then it was time to head to the Civic center to go see The Wizard of Oz! It was really colorful and fun, and the kids really liked it (of course I did too!)
Then we went to the Friends of the Library book sale at the fair grounds, they have it every Feb. and it is amazing! They sell all hardbacks for $1 and all paperbacks for $0.50!! And they have thousands of books to choose from, any and all varieties!! It is AMAZING! This pic was actually taken today, because when we got there yesterday it was about to close, so we just picked out a couple books and left, and then went back today so we could take our time and find lots of books. I think we ended up with like 40 books for $24. :) Awesome.
What a fun day we had!
Friday, February 19, 2010
Our week
We tend to stay pretty busy anyway, but this week was a particualr busy week!
We of course had our regular piano and violin lessons
Bourbon, Alan & Bonita had Dr's appointments (just check-ups!). Bonita is 3 months old and 14 lbs. So it looks like she was about 7-8 weeks old when we got her.
We got to spend a little time at the mall this week.
Tuesday was Teddy Bear day at Starla's school.
Bourbon had 4 volleyball games this week, 2 of them were make-up games from the snow days.
Thursday morning I took my final teacher certification test, the OPTE. It took me about 3 hours of my allotted 4 hour time, and I feel really good about it, and am really glad it is all over!!!
Our little princess loves talking on the phone!
Our friends, The Jones Family (minus Corey), were in town from Texas visiting and we got to have lunch with them today!
Starla & her little man Carter
Reagan is getting so big!! Isn't she cute?!
Reagan, Jenny & Carter
Now tomorrow is the Wizard of Oz play at the civic center. Roman, my neice Meadow and I will be going to go see it at 2pm and then we will be going by the Friends of the Library book sale at the fair grounds.
We finally finished the Harry Potter series last week, which was really pretty sad. We have been reading it for like the last 6 months or so!! But we started the Percy Jackson series this week and we are already half way done with the first book. Maybe we will go see the movie next week after we finish it. I really love that the boys and I have an hour a night to just escape into books together. :)
We of course had our regular piano and violin lessons
Bourbon, Alan & Bonita had Dr's appointments (just check-ups!). Bonita is 3 months old and 14 lbs. So it looks like she was about 7-8 weeks old when we got her.
We got to spend a little time at the mall this week.
Tuesday was Teddy Bear day at Starla's school.
Bourbon had 4 volleyball games this week, 2 of them were make-up games from the snow days.
Thursday morning I took my final teacher certification test, the OPTE. It took me about 3 hours of my allotted 4 hour time, and I feel really good about it, and am really glad it is all over!!!
Our little princess loves talking on the phone!
Our friends, The Jones Family (minus Corey), were in town from Texas visiting and we got to have lunch with them today!
Starla & her little man Carter
Reagan is getting so big!! Isn't she cute?!
Reagan, Jenny & Carter
Now tomorrow is the Wizard of Oz play at the civic center. Roman, my neice Meadow and I will be going to go see it at 2pm and then we will be going by the Friends of the Library book sale at the fair grounds.
We finally finished the Harry Potter series last week, which was really pretty sad. We have been reading it for like the last 6 months or so!! But we started the Percy Jackson series this week and we are already half way done with the first book. Maybe we will go see the movie next week after we finish it. I really love that the boys and I have an hour a night to just escape into books together. :)
Monday, February 15, 2010
The cost of health
It is amazingly expensive to eat healthy!
Roman's cholesterol levels came back elevated, as I'm sure Bourbon's will this week when he has his done. Alan gets his checked on Wed. for the first time since I've known him as well, and we shall see about him. But we all eat the same things, so I'm thinking all of us probably have high cholesterol. We had already been trying to eat more fruits and veggies and such, but now I am focusing on high fiber and the good oils and fats, and less red meat (which Alan is not happy about). But it's crazy how much healthy foods cost! It's so much cheaper to buy the high fat, processed foods that are so bad for you! I tell the kids that we each need to eat at least 2 fruits a day. So we are a family of 5, times 2 times a day, times 7 days a week. 70 servings of fruit in a week! Do you know how much that costs?! And all the higher fiber, whole-grains, good for you cereals are all a buck or so more than the sugary ones, the good for you snacks are all more expensive. As if out grocery bill wasn't high enough, now it's even higher in our attempt to eat healthier! It's irritating. And I've told the boys they need to start packing their lunches, even though it's so much cheaper for them to buy it, it's been proven in studies time and time again that school lunches are horrible for you, full of fat and sodium. And then you read all the studies about buying organic chicken and other meat, free of hormones, because those hormones are causing our kids to go through puberty quicker, and might be leading to cancer, we can't tell, there hasn't been enough time and studies done. They say we need to buy organic produce because the pesticides may lead to cancer and/or shorten our life span. We need to buy bottled water or a filter because tap water isn't safe to drink any longer. Sheesh. Grocery shopping and feeding your family has become a battle field! What do you sacrifice? What do you decide is worth spending the extra money on and what isn't? It's crazy. Makes me want to start my garden and grow my own stuff (which I try to do each year anyways, but not as seriously as I could), get a few chickens and have our own eggs, lol, I wonder if we can keep a cow and get our own milk....... :P
Roman's cholesterol levels came back elevated, as I'm sure Bourbon's will this week when he has his done. Alan gets his checked on Wed. for the first time since I've known him as well, and we shall see about him. But we all eat the same things, so I'm thinking all of us probably have high cholesterol. We had already been trying to eat more fruits and veggies and such, but now I am focusing on high fiber and the good oils and fats, and less red meat (which Alan is not happy about). But it's crazy how much healthy foods cost! It's so much cheaper to buy the high fat, processed foods that are so bad for you! I tell the kids that we each need to eat at least 2 fruits a day. So we are a family of 5, times 2 times a day, times 7 days a week. 70 servings of fruit in a week! Do you know how much that costs?! And all the higher fiber, whole-grains, good for you cereals are all a buck or so more than the sugary ones, the good for you snacks are all more expensive. As if out grocery bill wasn't high enough, now it's even higher in our attempt to eat healthier! It's irritating. And I've told the boys they need to start packing their lunches, even though it's so much cheaper for them to buy it, it's been proven in studies time and time again that school lunches are horrible for you, full of fat and sodium. And then you read all the studies about buying organic chicken and other meat, free of hormones, because those hormones are causing our kids to go through puberty quicker, and might be leading to cancer, we can't tell, there hasn't been enough time and studies done. They say we need to buy organic produce because the pesticides may lead to cancer and/or shorten our life span. We need to buy bottled water or a filter because tap water isn't safe to drink any longer. Sheesh. Grocery shopping and feeding your family has become a battle field! What do you sacrifice? What do you decide is worth spending the extra money on and what isn't? It's crazy. Makes me want to start my garden and grow my own stuff (which I try to do each year anyways, but not as seriously as I could), get a few chickens and have our own eggs, lol, I wonder if we can keep a cow and get our own milk....... :P
Our Little princess
Just a couple of weeks ago, Starla discovered a snow white book on our bookshelf and had me read it to her about 10 times a day, she then noticed that we had the DVD on our shelf as well and asked to watch it, thus began an instant love of the princesses, especially snow white. We have read the book and watched the movie probably 30 times each in the last 2 weeks,lol. In an effort to watch and read it a little less, I showed her the rest of the princess books that we had, and let her watch beauty & the beast as well. Then Nanny let us borrow Sleeping Beauty. We now must see if we can buy Cinderella online since it isn't available to purchase at the stores right now. And then I remembered that Aunt Kim had given us princess dresses about 2 years ago or so to put up until they fit Starla, so I took them out of the back of her closet, thinking they were still going to be way too big, but really, they fit quite well!!!
She wanted to act like sleeping beauty,......
And she loves them. She wore the cinderella one all day yesterday, and today we went grocery shopping at wal-mart in the sleeping beauty one, which I'm sure will stay on all day as well...... :)
I'm trying to convince Alan on a week long trip to Orlando in May, 4 days at disney world and 2 at universal (where he can enjoy live tapings of his beloved wrestling, and the kids & I can enjoy the Wizarding World of Harry Potter!) but he hasn't given in yet. I keep telling him to think about how much fun Starla will have meeting the princesses, and all her other favorite characters! And how money can always be replaced, and made back again, but that time can't, and this is a magical age for Starla. Plus the memories will be priceless. Wish me luck in my quest to convince him, lol. I'm quite certain that I am going to need it.
She wanted to act like sleeping beauty,......
And she loves them. She wore the cinderella one all day yesterday, and today we went grocery shopping at wal-mart in the sleeping beauty one, which I'm sure will stay on all day as well...... :)
I'm trying to convince Alan on a week long trip to Orlando in May, 4 days at disney world and 2 at universal (where he can enjoy live tapings of his beloved wrestling, and the kids & I can enjoy the Wizarding World of Harry Potter!) but he hasn't given in yet. I keep telling him to think about how much fun Starla will have meeting the princesses, and all her other favorite characters! And how money can always be replaced, and made back again, but that time can't, and this is a magical age for Starla. Plus the memories will be priceless. Wish me luck in my quest to convince him, lol. I'm quite certain that I am going to need it.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Our Valentines Day
I love holidays. I love having fun with holidays. I think my kids take for granted how fun I make things, because they are used to it and have done it their whole lives, but I hope that one day they look back upon it and realize how cool their mommma was to do all the stuff that she did for them...... :)If not, oh well, I have fun doing it anyways!
Starla was the first one up (no surprise there) on valentines morning. She woke up to find a little box of princess chocolates and a homemade valentine made by momma next to her bed.
then she got a treat in her mailbox....
And then another present in the living room for her to open, a new pinkalicious sticker book.
Daddy then also gave her another box of tinkerbell chocolates later that morning! Boy are they spoiled or what?!
Roman had gotten up shortly after Starla, and watched her open her stuff.
Then Roman impatiently waited for Bourbon to wake up so they could do their scavenger hunt. I did a valentines scavenger hunt last year for the first time, and it was all Roman could talk about for the last couple of weeks was how he couldn't wait until the valentines scavenger hunt. Last year they each got 5 different "clues" which took them all around the house in search of their gift, each place having a peice of candy as well. This year they each got 7 spots, and they got 3 small little valentines treats, cards and homemade valentines, a larger valentine treat, a box of mighty beans (toys that they collect) and a book after it was all said and done. It starts at their mailbox though, where they get their first clue......
They had lots of fun finding the right book, or movie, or game or place in the house which they were led to by their clues!
And then breakfast! The kids had banana chocolate chip heart shaped pancakes and chocolate covered strawberries.....
and toast with a heartshaped egg cooked in the middle for daddy....
Alan & I got to go on a lunch date to The Melting Pot for our Valentines Day celebration. Here was our menu, it was sooooo yummy!
Cheers!
Hee hee, Alan says I look like a genie here, coming out in a puff of smoke. :)
We were going to go see Valentines Day (the movie) afterwards, but unsurprisingly it was sold out, so we just came home and watched a movie instead. It was such a great day!
Starla was the first one up (no surprise there) on valentines morning. She woke up to find a little box of princess chocolates and a homemade valentine made by momma next to her bed.
then she got a treat in her mailbox....
And then another present in the living room for her to open, a new pinkalicious sticker book.
Daddy then also gave her another box of tinkerbell chocolates later that morning! Boy are they spoiled or what?!
Roman had gotten up shortly after Starla, and watched her open her stuff.
Then Roman impatiently waited for Bourbon to wake up so they could do their scavenger hunt. I did a valentines scavenger hunt last year for the first time, and it was all Roman could talk about for the last couple of weeks was how he couldn't wait until the valentines scavenger hunt. Last year they each got 5 different "clues" which took them all around the house in search of their gift, each place having a peice of candy as well. This year they each got 7 spots, and they got 3 small little valentines treats, cards and homemade valentines, a larger valentine treat, a box of mighty beans (toys that they collect) and a book after it was all said and done. It starts at their mailbox though, where they get their first clue......
They had lots of fun finding the right book, or movie, or game or place in the house which they were led to by their clues!
And then breakfast! The kids had banana chocolate chip heart shaped pancakes and chocolate covered strawberries.....
and toast with a heartshaped egg cooked in the middle for daddy....
Alan & I got to go on a lunch date to The Melting Pot for our Valentines Day celebration. Here was our menu, it was sooooo yummy!
Cheers!
Hee hee, Alan says I look like a genie here, coming out in a puff of smoke. :)
We were going to go see Valentines Day (the movie) afterwards, but unsurprisingly it was sold out, so we just came home and watched a movie instead. It was such a great day!
The zoo
How is it that saturday was sunny and warm and beautiful, and today we have another crazy blizzard-like snow (although it didn't last long, it was a TON of snow in such a tiny amount of time!!). Before my phone broke friday night, my friend Lori told me they were going to the zoo on saturday and I told them we probably would go with them. So Saturday afternoon we went out to enjoy the day and spent about 4 hours at the zoo enjoying the sunshine and having a blast!
We brought a ton of bread to feed the peacocks and ducks while we were there.....
Amazingly we managed to find Lori, about and hour or so after we got there, even though I didn't have a phone and wasn't able to call them to find out if they were there yet or where they were!!
We love hanging out with The Carter family! I love how our family meshes. Sam & Roman have so much fun being rambunctious and crazy boys together, and Bourbon & Mariah like hanging out and get along very well. And of course, Starla loves Miss Lori. :)
Funny kids.... :)
The alligator snapping turtle, scary looking thing....
These little guys, the red pandas, are my favorite zoo residents! Aren't they cute?! I just want to snuggle up with one!!
so much fun!
We brought a ton of bread to feed the peacocks and ducks while we were there.....
Amazingly we managed to find Lori, about and hour or so after we got there, even though I didn't have a phone and wasn't able to call them to find out if they were there yet or where they were!!
We love hanging out with The Carter family! I love how our family meshes. Sam & Roman have so much fun being rambunctious and crazy boys together, and Bourbon & Mariah like hanging out and get along very well. And of course, Starla loves Miss Lori. :)
Funny kids.... :)
The alligator snapping turtle, scary looking thing....
These little guys, the red pandas, are my favorite zoo residents! Aren't they cute?! I just want to snuggle up with one!!
so much fun!
Saturday, February 13, 2010
snapped
My beautiful energetic daughter (seen here in her pretty valentines outfit she wore to her valentines party at school)......
was talking on the phone last night to aunt kim, she went into her room, where I am certain she paced around (refer to the video of her talking on the phone habits, lol), then we heard a big thud, and she came running out with my phone in two peices saying "I'm sorry I broke your phone!".
We went to the sprint store this morning and they ordered my replacement phone (which thanks to insurance only cost me $50) but it won't be here until monday. And then I gotta take the broken phone (which amazingly the bottom half still vibrates when I get calls, but I have no screen to see who it is, and no way to hear them, but the caller can hear me, lol) up to the store with the new phone to see if we can transfer all my pictures and phone numbers to it. And like most people of this day and age, the only phone numbers I know by heart are my mommas, my husbands and my best friends, lol.
was talking on the phone last night to aunt kim, she went into her room, where I am certain she paced around (refer to the video of her talking on the phone habits, lol), then we heard a big thud, and she came running out with my phone in two peices saying "I'm sorry I broke your phone!".
We went to the sprint store this morning and they ordered my replacement phone (which thanks to insurance only cost me $50) but it won't be here until monday. And then I gotta take the broken phone (which amazingly the bottom half still vibrates when I get calls, but I have no screen to see who it is, and no way to hear them, but the caller can hear me, lol) up to the store with the new phone to see if we can transfer all my pictures and phone numbers to it. And like most people of this day and age, the only phone numbers I know by heart are my mommas, my husbands and my best friends, lol.
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