balance

Balance, isn't that what everyone is looking for in some way or another? Balance in our relationships, finances, diet, time, power, and everything else in the world? So why is it so hard to find balance? Why can't it just be something easy to figure out and implement?

I am feeling very unbalanced these days (no cheap shots at my mental health here though folks......;) I can't seem to find balance in my eating and working out habits so that I can lose weight. I can't seem to find balance with my time so that I can do what I want and what I need to. I can't seem to find balance in the power struggle with my kids. I can't seem to find balance, and it is wrecking havoc with my psyche. I am tired and grumpy and overwhelmed.

Although I shouldn't feel the need to defend myself, because really anyone who knows me knows how kid-centered I am, I still do feel the need to start on the defensive here, maybe it's the mommy guilt I am feeling. My life is practically all about my kids; when the kids are around (which is always) there is only kid friendly music on, when the kids are around only kid friendly movies and shows are on, I plan and do some many things related to and centered on my kids on a daily basis, so I am in no way, shape or form a selfish mom who only thinks of herself. (I know I don't have to explain that, but again I feel the need to lead with that....) but lately all I want to do is MY stuff. I want to watch MY shows, I want to read MY books, I want to work on MY story, I want to enjoy MY hobbies, I want to focus on me and what I want. I don't want to play candyland, I don't want to watch another episode of between the lions, I don't want to put together another puzzle,.....you get the picture. And because of that, I feel incredibly guilty that I don't want to enjoy my children, or play with them. It's that mommy guilt. It's a lack of balance. I know, I shouldn't feel guilty about wanting me time and wanting things for myself, I know that in my head, but of course my emotions tell me I'm a bad mom and I should feel bad. And I know that I can do both, or at least in theory I should be able to do both, but right now I can't seem to find that balance of kid time and momma time, and because of that I feel this incredible desire to not want to do anything, to just sink into an abyss and stay there.

I find myself always telling the kids when they ask me to do something "maybe after I get done making dinner", "Maybe after I fold this laundry", "Maybe after I do the dishes", "Maybe after I sweep the floor..." you get the picture. and then by the time I get done with all of those things, I have no desire to play with them or do whatever it is they have asked me to do, or maybe even I have forgotten about it completely. And how fair is that to them? I should take advantage of this time that they want to do stuff with me, because really they grow up so darn fast and I won't have this opportunity forever. But yet I feel so overwhelmed with all of my responsibilities and chores, and never-ending to-do list, that I can't ever seem to fully relax and just enjoy my time with my kids. And it makes me sad, and angry, and...... unbalanced. And I know, this too shall pass. It always does, it always has a way of fixing itself or I always find a way to deal with it, it's not like this is some new and novel problem. But at the moment it seems overwhelming.

The last few days I feel like all I have done is yell at the kids, and it is driving me, and them no doubt, nuts. The boys and I are at this stand-still, this battle of the wills. They have been "cleaning" their rooms for literally over a month. In other words, I have sent them to clean thier rooms for hours and hours on end, and nothing gets done, they just play and read and hang out. They have been grounded from TV, Video games, and playing with friends for over a month. All they do every single night, is get sent to their rooms to clean, unless I just can't take it anymore and decide to make it 'family movie night' and watch a show together. I have been threatening at least for the last 2 weeks to go in their rooms and pack EVERYTHING up except their beds & clothes and pack it all away and not give it back in a really long time, if ever. And yet they still don't clean. And I seriously don't have the motivation, time or patience to actually do it. But I need to. I just don't know when I am going to find time for that as well as everything else that needs to be done, or that I just want to do. They just don't care, and it is driving me crazy. Bourbon actually keeps asking me "So when are you going to come pack up my room, because I really want you to, I'm just waiting for you to do it so I don't have to clean it." Seriously? I keep telling him that means his TV, his playstation, all of his toys, books, etc. it will all be gone, and he looks at me and says "yeah, so?" And I mean, who wants to be that parent? The one ALWAYS yelling at them to clean their rooms? The one who won't let them do anything because their room isn't clean? Because I'm not enjoying it at all.

Unbalanced.