Teenage angst

Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Teenage angst
Current mood: amused

So my nostalgic state of mind has me reading all of my old poems and diaries. Sometimes it makes me giggle to look back at my mind. I don't think anyone could pay me to go back to being a teenager. I was always so insecure, emotional, naive and idealistic, a hopeless romantic, sad, crazy, full of angst. I wish I could tap back into that passion though sometimes. I haven't written a poem since 2000 (well I think I've written them for people for gifts, but I didn't keep copies, and they weren't writing just for the sake of writing). I want to get back into writing, poems and stories. I want to express myself creatively. But I thought I'd share some of my teenage angst poems while I am at it. I think I wrote these between the ages of 16-18. Enjoy!

Contradiction
hold me close, stay away
I know what I don't have a clue to say
I find myself lost in your eyes
wondering if they are filled with sincere lies
getting too near to be so far
wondering just who you really are
being honest with you while I lie to myself
ironic how much heaven can feel like hell
dreaming of nightmares, desolate yet full
using my depression as a hopeful tool
happy yet sad, hopeful yet hopeless,
here I am, such an organized mess
peaceful chaos takes over my senses
the dirt purifies and the blood rinses
the silence makes my ears ring
I am so sweet that I am mean
talk to me but don't say a word
everything you didn't say, I heard
I fall down as I stand
go away, but hold my hand.


My Fairy Tale
Dance with me on the edge of the moon
rescue me from my balcony soon
look at a star and be reminded of me
look into a fairies eyes and it will be true love that you see
follow the birck road, don't get lost
to buy a dream, there is no cost
hold on to your hopes, don't lose them now
to make then come true you need but ask how
so slay the dragon and ride home to me on your steed
hold me close, you are what I need
be my prince, a loving romeo
I'll never let my fairy tale go.

The Melted Soul
Pain in my heart
dripping with fear
pulling my soul apart
down runs a single tear
rejection, rejection, rejection all around
making me scream inside
making me fall down
blood seeps from the open wound
never to heal again as I lay on my own tomb
screaming, screaming, screaming in agony
running from this disillusion of myself
ripping the blackness from my soul painfully
the darkness of evil penetrates the air
the stench is so strong, death comes without a care
bleeding, bleeding, bleeding away
biting my lip in fear
as I try to stay here
losing the battle against the sadness
I seep down lower as the thoughts in my mind turn to madness
screaming and crying and losing control
the pain in my heart has just melted my soul.

Double Standards
I scream about injustice as I cheated you out of love
I bitch about violence as I turn to you to shove
I say life isn't fair as people are losing theirs
I bitch about pollution as the exhaust fumes from my car fill the air
double standards abd blind ignorance are all around
and I am even guilty of these crimes I have found
why are poeple they way they are?
Why in order to love, must we leave scars?
is life really supposed to be a great big battle field?
or are we here to find wounds to heal?
does anyone have answers to the things that we wonder?
or are they there for us to see among the rain and the thunder?
does God look down on us and laugh at out materialistic lives?
or have we gotten so bad that now he just cries?
do angels whisper the meaning of life into our dense ears?
and we're too worried about money and social standings to hear?
and everyday people lose their shallow lives in vain
never finding the answers and alwasy in pain
why does everyone settle for living this way?
I swear I'm going to change it all one day.

Gone
I draw blood to make sure that I'm real
the pain only means that I can feel
my mind leaps off of the edge of insanity
it floats though, because there is no gravity
sorrows fingers clench around my heart
the taste of reality is much too bitter and tart
I claw out my eyes so I can no longer see
the world is too violent for me
I sit alone in a silent room full of fears
the chaos of peacefulness is all that I can hear
my blood rushes out faster through the hole that I made
my empty life is beginning to fade


ok that's all for now. I get to head to my womanly Dr's appointment, what fun. I promise I wasn't ever really suicidal as a teenager, lol, just 'gothic' and morbid.

Another monday down....

Monday, April 27, 2009

Another monday down.......
Current mood: drained

Ack. I am so burnt out. I need a vacation on a sandy beach, drink in hand with some little umbrella in it.

Just about done with all of my projects and such though, and now it's just time to get ready for finals. I have one monday at 7am. Blech. Which means I have to get up at 5am and leave my house about 6am. Did I already say blech...... I have 2 on wednesday and 1 on friday and then I am done! Woo hoo. I have already mentally checked out this semester I think.

Bourbon did something tonight that he hasn't done in a while. He crawled into my lap and just cuddled with me for like 10 minutes. I just held him and stroked his hair. I can't believe he is already 10. It was a bit bittersweet. I have to take advantage of those times, since he proably won't be doing it much the older he gets. Which of course makes me sad.

I'm listening to old school 80's & 90's country music (I love all the different XM stations we have!!), which is always depressing too, lol. I guess I'm a sucker for punishment. I'm about to break out the 2nd mojito of the evening. I think I've had more alcoholic beverages in this year than I have in the last 3 combined! I'm not sure that's a good sign.....

Alan had a rough day at work, just a rough day in general. His bipolar is flaring up, which is never fun for any of us. I'm always worried that Roman & Starla are going to end up with it. It's hard enough with one in the house, I can't even begin to imagine 3 of them! I hope he feels better soon.

I'm ready to buy a first class ticket to neverland, anyone want to come with me?

Watch our garden grow......

Saturday we went over to Nanny & Papa's to plant a garden. My parents always had a big garden while I was growing up, and I even remember my grandparents always having a big garden when I was little. My grandparents were there Saturday too, which was nice. We tried to plant a little garden last year, but we really don't have the space, and Tex was always in it. So I asked my parents if we could share a garden with them if we helped do the work, so they said ok. The boys were excited about first, but since it took us about 2 hours, they quickly realized it wasn't that much fun!

Papa helps up plant the tomato plants!




Starla was eager to help!




Bourbon plants a tomato plant!




The boys enjoyed it for about the first 5 minutes! After they realized how much work it was, they weren't quite as excited about planting a garden!!




Great Nanny helped us out alot. I love that the kids get to spend quality time with my grandparents. I hope they have wonderful memories to look back on one day.




Bourbon was a great seed planter!




Roman says he wants to be a farmer when he grows up!




Almost done!!!



We planted tomatos, green, red & yello bell peppers, green beans, snow peas, okra, zuchinni & yellow squash, spinach and we will also have a watermelon & cantelope patch. Woo hoo! I can't wait to have all those goodies this summer! I'm sure we will have plenty to share too!

The Arts Festival

Friday evening the kids & I went out to the Arts Festival. It was fun. The kids liked this living statue guy that greeted us when we first got there!




Roman enjoys a turkey leg!




Aren't we cute?





The boys went shopping in the kids art mart.




Only kids allowed inside!




The boys made puppets, spirit sticks and mosaic pictures inside the kids art tent!




The boys rolled down a very large hill over and over again....




while Starla ran up and down a much smaller hill!




Roman poses in front of the fountain




Starla helps with the interactive art project!




We met up with our friend Rex (AKA the orange guy) and his daughter Desi. Rex & Starla played in the grass




Roman looks on with interest as Rex and the artist discuss the art.




The kids wanted to give this guy a tip as we were leaving. But this was as close as Starla was getting to him, he tried to give her five and she turned and ran!

The time just slips away...........

The time just slips away......

Current mood: sad

I have been very nostalgic lately. I've never really been a person that has ever wished to go back and do it all over again, or go back and change anything. Sure, I have regrets of things I probably shouldn't have said or done, but all in all I realize that every heartache and lesson learned has shaped and molded me into who I am today, and I wouldn't change me (well, except for that extra baggage I'm carrying around on my hips and such :)). But I have this desire to go back these days, not to change anything in my own past, but to spend more time with those I've lost along the way, or to help out those who have lost their way. I get nostalgic every now and then anyways, and look at old pictures, look up old friends, and read old diaries, just to remember. But never do I really get sad and melancholy about it. I think this current sadness and desire to go back has a lot to do with a conversation I had with Bourbon's dad recently. We don't talk much at all, mostly small talk in passing when we exchange Bourbon, or the occasional conversation about Bourbon. But I had been thinking about a mutual friend of ours from way back in the day lately and I asked Matt if he still talked to him. He doesn't, but he talks to another friend who does still talk to the friend in question, and he told me just really sad things about our old friend, and how his life is just crumbling around him. And in the same conversation Matt told me about a friend's dog that was still alive, which just melted my heart. This friend, Brad, had Cystic Fibrosis, and he passed away back in 1999. But Brad had this dog, Spud, who was his best friend, who was always around, and knowing that Spud was still alive warmed my heart, but also made it ache. I just longed to wrap my arms around Brad and hug him. I miss him. And I can't help but wonder what his life would be like today had he survived. Which of course makes me think of other friends and loved ones that I have lost along the way, and the desire to have more time with them. And our mutual friend who is having such difficulties right now, I just want to go back and tell him to make better choices, and to change his life then so that he's not facing things now. I haven't even seen this friend since probably 2003, and I still have this need to find him and wrap my arms around him and try to make it better. He probably hasn't given me a thought in eons and would look at me like I was crazy if I did that since it has been so long. But that's just how I am, if I cared about you ever, I am going to care about you always. That doesn't go away for me. I don't have an "off" switch for my feelings for people. Even if I haven't seen or talked to someone in years, I will still care about them just as much as if we had been close only yesterday. I've always been the 'heart on my sleeve' kinda person, which is probably why it always got hurt along the way. I always seemed to care about people much more than they cared about me, which of course hurts. So I am sad, filled with memories of these 2 guys in question, thinking of fun times we had all together. And I miss them. One I can only visit in pictures and memories until I get to join him in heaven one day, and one that I hope I can get in contact with soon and help out in some way.

The Cystic Fibrosis walk-a-thon is in 2 weeks, and I feel horrible because each year I get less and less involved and haven't even so much as registered for it this year. Not only did we lose Brad to CF, but most of you know that I lost my big brother Scott to it as well in 1991 when he was 17 and I was 12. And we also lost my older brother's step-daughter Kasey to it in 1998 when she was 9. So for years and years we were active participants in the walk. I was on committees, entertainment and such. I gathered the entertainers and booked people. Alan was the DJ for about 6 years in a row at the event. I would always gather a team of walkers, raise money, make T-shirts. But I always seem to be so busy, and I feel bad. About 3 years ago, when I was pregnant with Starla, was the last time I was on a committee. The next year we walked and alan DJ'd, and I helped with finding entertainers but didn't have the time to actually be the main person. Last year Alan couldn't be the DJ and we raised money, but we didn't even end up going. This year, they have contacted me a handful of times and I haven't even registered or attempted to raise money. It makes me sad. Because I WANT to help, I want to stay involved, I want to help find a cure. I just can't seem to make the time. It's always mother's day weekend, always the end of the semester. I always have excuses.

I'm just sad.


I wish you were here Brad.......


Saturday, April 25, 2009

Starla time

I love, love, love getting to spend quality time with Starla while the boys are at school. Don't get me wrong, I love family time, and I am looking forward to the summer when I can take all the kids to do fun stuff, but I cherish the alone time I have with Starla. The boys always get mad cuz they have to go to school, bit I explain to them that they had me for 6 and 8 years (respectively) before she came along and they got to do a ton of fun stuff in that time period, and she's just catching up. :) That's the same explanation I give whem I buy her new stuff but not them. They got years of spoiling before she even came around!! I also think that while the boys were little, I just took if for granted and didn't think too much about them growing up. But now that they have grown up so fast, I think I take more time to cherish the moments I have with Starla. I know that in the blink of any eye, she's going to grow up too. Sigh.

We got to go to the zoo yesterday before Land Run time. There was some ScienceFest going on, so like a million schools were out there, and they had all these science booths set up. It was crowded.

Starla wanted to ride the turtle.



She hugged the gorilla.



We tried to check out the Dinosaurs Unearthed exhibit. But all of 2.5 seconds after walking into the tent Starla started freaking out! They are rather large dinosaurs, and they move and roar. So I can see how that can be scary to a 2 year old. Lol. She was NOT happy! After I took her out, and she calmed down, I said "I'm sorry that you got scared in there." and she calmly looked up at me and said "That's ok, it's not your fault." :)



The lion was yawning, but it looks like it was roaring! :)



Yes it's all of 9:30 in the morning and Starla is eating cotton candy the size of her head! Hee hee. After she ate about half of it, I said we should put it away and save it for after lunch and that she could share it with Papa (she was going to Nanny & Papa's after the zoo so I could go help out in landrun day!) Well apparantly Papa mistook "sharing" for a gift, and thought the rest was his and while she napped he took it to work with him to enjoy after he ate dinner. When she woke up, she was mad! She told me ALLLLL night long how Papa took her cotton candy to work and how he was mean. Lol. I promised to buy her a new one next time, and tried to explain that Papa thought she was done with it and that the rest was his.



We love riding the carousel!



I love the red panda, he is soo stinkin' cute!!



Can you see how big these catfish are that are eating our bread?! They are HUGE! Probably because people like me bring a whole loaf of bread and feed it to the fish and ducks each time we go. That's what happens when your husband is a breadman, the animals we come in contact with get well-fed. :)

The Land Run

Go check out Bourbon's land run here:

http://ourlittlefamily-tonya.blogspot.com/2009/04/land-run.html

I'm so in love with this band......

Wednesday, April 22, 2009
I'm SOOOOO in love with this band...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vSWGNqI-sI


Snow Patrol. I get like 500 sets of goosebumps when I watch this video. Not only because I am a Grey's anatomy junkie and just the fleeting scenes in here can invoke crazy emotions in me, but this band is so awesome. His voice, his words, they are quickly becoming my favorite band, thanks to, of all people, Matt (Bourbon's dad). He made me a CD of them recently.

The universe is such a strange place.....

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The universe is such a strange place.....
Current mood: eccentric

I have a professor, who is a Jazz musician, and he teaches Educational Assessment. He's funny, always cracking jokes and messing around. It's a very laid back class, and we have open book tests and group tests, and just one of classes that you never stress out about. He's always giving advice for the 'real world', likes to give 'pimpin' 101' advice to the 4 guys in there. He's very entertaining, flamboyant. I wondered about his sexuality for a moment, but he's got kids, and is engaged to a female for his 2nd marriage, he's just very theatrical. Always on stage, always got jokes. Anyways. The dr's recently discovered some masses in his throat, and they did biposies last week to see if they are cancerous. He is going to have to have surgery regardless to remove them, which is of course scary but also for the fact that he sings and plays jazz instruments. So cutting into his diaphram may be detrimental to that. Anyways, someone in class got the idea that we should bring in food and cards today to just show him some love. So I baked muffins this morning and brought them to class. We had quite a big spread of food. When he got there, he was just stunned speechless about how nice we were and how touched he was. He also went on to say how the universe works in mysterious ways, and how things that happen today are put into action from yesterday and how what we do today puts forward what will happen tomorrow, etc. He said just yesterday during a pre-maritial counseling session with his fiancee and pastor, he said he wasn't sure he was making an impact on those he is supposed to be teaching, and that he needed a sign that he was doing what he should. He took our gesture as a sign and said it was just crazy how these things worked out. The class period went on, and then we showed up an e-mail he got from a cousin, called "I can't find a job!" and it was just tons of pics of people with tons of facial percings, facial tattoos, giant ears that have been gauged out, nostrils that have been gauged to have big holes in them, implants to look like horns, etc. All the while he was giving the speech about how we present ourselves puts out energy into the world, and if we present ourselves in negative ways we are going to get negative energy back into our life, and how as teachers we need to think before we do crazy things to ourselves and how we are influential to students, how we need to present ourselves in professional manners, etc. He kept making prolonged eye contact with me, so I have no idea if he was trying to make sure I got his point, or just wanting to make sure I wasn't taking offense, or what. I thought it was quite amusing though, speaking of the way the universe works, that I JUST blogged about why can't I have my peircings and be a teacher, and here I get a lecture from a professor about being professional and not having facial peircings. Really?! I almost started feeling guilty, like I must be immature and umprofessional to think it would be ok to be a teacher and be pierced, but then I thought, no way. Why can't we show children that people that are pierced aren't freaks, but they are regular every day people, and that the world needs everyone to go round, and people shouldn't judge based on silly things like a piece of metal. I mean I'm not talking about major crazy things like implants and having your whole face covered in tattos like he was showing. But I really don't think a little ring in your nose qualifies as being a freak. Maybe the lip is a bit much, I don't know. I just don't see it as being any more unporfessional than big earrings or gaudy necklaces. They are just accessories, not statements saying I want to be a thug or deviant. I didn't say anything about it, and he didn't directly say anything to me. Afterward class though some of my classmates were like "All I could think of was you!! Poor Tonya!" Lol. I really didn't feel like I was being picked on, I just found it amusing that it happened right after I blogged about it.

I can't wait until this summer! We went downtown tonight and got our summer movie pass for harkins theater.( http://www.harkinstheatres.com/SummerMovieFun09/SMF-Bricktown09-8.5x11.pdf )They show 10 kids movies, 1 a week, for $5. If you don't buy a pass to see them all, it is $2 a show. But $5 covers them all! It is mon-fri at 9:45am. You pick which day you want to come, and then every week on that day you get to go see a movie! They aren't 'new' movies, but we haven't seen them all, so it works out. We picked Wed. so if you want to join us this summer, you should go buy a Wed. pass! They sell out pretty quickly though (at least they did last year!), so I would do it soon. Wed. will be our official movie day. I figure after the movie we will play in the water in bricktown (the spot that has the water shooting out of the ground! Lots of free fun!) or play on the canal or whatever. I love that we will have our zoo pass, our omniplex pass, our pool pass, our summer movie pass, and the free waterpark here in MWC. Between those and the library summer reading program that we do, and all the other free summer stuff we can find, we can have stuff to do every single day and not need any cash! Woo hoo!! We will have a weekly zoo day, a weekly pool day..... etc. I can't wait.

I think we might get to head to texas to the Scarborough Faire for mother's day too!! Woo hoo! I have always wanted to go there, but I never have. So I asked Alan if we could go for Mother's day, and he said that was cool! I am excited. We will probably drive down there Saturday and stay in a hotel and then spend sunday at the fair, and then come home that night. Yeah!

gray would be the color, if I had a heart.....

Monday, April 20, 2009

gray would be the color...if I had a heart.....

Current mood: artistic

I love NIN pretty hate machine. It is one of my favorite albums. :)

I have 2 tests this week, and I just really don't care. Lol. I can always tell when it's the end of the semester, I just stop caring if I study or not. I still manage to pull off straight A's, so I'm not even going to care.

We had baseball tonight, and tomorrow, and then practice on thursday. Blech. I love watching him play, I do, but it gets so tiresome sometimes. He's getting bullied around some by his team mates too, which isn't great, but he loves baseball. But if it gets to the point where he doesn't want to play, I will let him quit during the season, even though that has always been a rule, no quitting in the middle, you start it, you finish it. But not if he's getting bullied. He gets teased, and they pull his little rat tail, and they push him down. And the adults in charge just don't do anything about it, so Alan wants to teach him to fight back, but I don't think that's a good idea. I told him to come to me or whatever adult (Alan, my mom, whoever takes him) brought him and we'll do something about it. We shall see if that works. But we have decided, no more just sending him to practice or games with other parents, which we sometimes do. He has to have an adult there that "has his back" so to speak. Which isn't so bad since school is wrapping up, but during school, I just don't have the time to devote 3 nights a week to baseball. It's crazy.

I love that he is so unique. He is his own little person, and I love that. He doesn't really care what others think, he likes what he likes. As much as I see of his daddy in him (they are both always 'on stage') maybe some of me got in there too. Because my idea of 'beauty' hasn't always matched up with society either. My piercings and strange dress as a teenager was never about being a rebel, or rebelling against the 'system' for me. I just think it's beautiful. My idea of beauty doesn't always match up with society, and I think that should be ok. I wish the world was like that. I wish I could have my peircings and be a teacher without having to give them up. They are such a part of me, I have had these things for 16 years now. Do they make me a bad person? No. Would they make me a horrible teacher? Ridiculous. They are just jewelry, why can't the world just accept them like that? I know, silly thought. I would be such a terrible influence to children with rings in my lip and nose......... :P But I see Roman with his cowboy boots and his shorts, his plaid shirts and striped pants and wrestling fingerless gloves, and I smile. I bought him a pair of rainbow striped (girl) fingerless gloves that go all the way over his elbows this weekend at the mall (on sale at Claires for $1!), and he took one look at them and was like "WOW! These are soooo cool!" and put them on right away and wore them all evening. That's my boy. He likes what he likes and he could care less if people think he is weird. I hope that lasts forever, and that "society" doesn't break his spirit.

So I am thinking about getting my Special Education certification along with elementary education. Once I get my Elementary Ed. certificate, I can take the other certifificate tests and if I pass them, can be certified in that area as well. (Only until Nov. 1st, when they change the ways you can be certified, but as long as I do it before then, I could get it!). I don't know if I would teach Special Ed. right away, but if I have the certification, I could do it if I wanted to. I think I would like that! I was looking into what it would take to be nationally certified, since in theory we would move around if Alan got the job he wanted, and then I wouldn't have to take each new state's certification exams, I would just be certified for the whole USA. But you have to be teaching for 3 years, create a porfolio showing videos of you teaching and student work and such, and then it costs $3000. Maybe someday though. We shall see.

I love the 90's

Sunday, April 19, 2009

I love the 90's

Current mood: good

I keep listening to this 90's channel on xm radio on our TV, and it just cracks me up. It plays all genres so I get country, hip-hop, pop, grunge, metal, etc. as long as it was released in the 90's, it is on there. It takes me back. I can't believe it's almost been 20 years since 1990, how in the heck did that happen?!

2 more weeks of school, and then finals. Woo hoo! I am soooo looking forward to the summer. I keep thinking of all the things I want to do, but just don't have time. I want to sew Starla some cute clothes, and I want to make sock monkeys and sock creatures, and I want to scrapbook, and head to the gym and lose as much weight as I can this summer. I want to go to the zoo, the omniplex, the children's museum, the del city pool, the park, camping, mommy playdates & lunches..... my list is endless. I want to go to the Scarborough faire, and if Alan gets to take his week off I want to head to Nashville, visiting Graceland and Dollywood along the way. I'm just ready to do fun stuff and stuff that makes me happy, instead of just the stuff that I have to do. And I know that next semester is going to be crazy hectic with student teaching, and I'm not going to have time to do anything, so I want to take full advantage of this summer while I can. I just want to play and enjoy life!!! My count down has begun, 3 weeks until it is all over. Woo hoo.

I won't find out the results of my OSAT until May 15th, which stinks, but I am just going to put it out of my mind until then.

Although I am excited to be at the point of student teaching, and graduating, I'm also kind of sad. I've been in school FOREVER. I counted up the number of semesters I have taken of college in my life, and I have 14. That's 7 years!! I should be a Dr. by now!!! Granted some of them were part time, or summer semesters, but still. Anyways, this is my 5th semester at UCO, which means I have had some of my classmates in my classes for 2 years. I have gotten to know so many great people at UCO, and made many friends, and I have taken it for granted that I would see them all the time, and I know next semester I won't hardley see anyone from school while I am student teaching, and then it will be over, and I may not see them again. I made a point of finding everyone from class that I can on facebook so maybe I can stay in contact. But it does make me a bit sad. I will miss my professors and some of my classes as well. It seems like college and education classes have been such a big part of my life, it will be so weird to have it all over and done with, ya know? My whole structure of my life could be so different a year from now. It's like one chapter is coming to an end and a new one is begining, which isn't a bad thing at all, it just makes me a little sad. I get attached very easily.

I am looking forward to next week. I am going to have lunch with Roman on tuesday, and then I get to come help out and join Bourbon and his class on thursday for Land Run day! I get to help serve lunch and play games and such. We are having beans and cornbread and authentic pioneer food and activities. It will be fun, I am looking forward to it. I love getting to be around for the boys school activities and to be so involved with them. They are growing up so darn fast, I just enjoy and treasure each experience that I get with them.

we had our second financial peace university class tonight, which was good. I really like Dave Ramsey. And his plan is so easy it almost seems silly that more people don't do it and stop living paycheck to paycheck. The first babystep is to get $1000 in an emergency fund savings account, babystep #2 is to pay off all debt using the snowball method, and then babystep #3 is to get 3-6 months worth of emergency fund savings put away. We already have step # 1 done, and we are blessed to only owe on our house, we don't have any other debt, so we can skip #2, and now we are well on our way to having #3. So I am excited. If you've never heard about Dave Ramsey, I suggest getting his book, or listening to his radio show, or going to his website, or something. It is very good.

The OSAT

So after weeks of prepping, getting up at 5:30am, and waiting in a giant line for over half and hour, I got to take my OSAT. I started at 8:16, took a quick bathroom break between the 2 tests, and got done at 10:57. Sheesh. I didn't even go back and check a single answer, because during my practice tests I realized I would go back and second guess myself and change the right answer to a wrong one, so I just didn't even give myself the chance. I think I did great on the Reading/Language Arts and reading assessment essay, as those are my strong suits. But the rest of it, I probably guessed on at least 50% of the rest of the answers. They were educated guesses using reasoning and logic, but in the end they were still guesses. So I have no idea really how I did. There are 300 points possible on each test, and you have to make a 240 to pass. So now we just wait and see. But it still feels like a burden has been lifted. So now Alan & I are about to go out and enjoy the day, have some lunch, go to the mall, maybe see a movie. We are thinking about going out to the new dueling piano's bar tonight, but I'm so tired right now, at this rate, we aren't going to make it!!! Thanks for all the encouragment, support and prayers for my test though!! :)

Drawing Flies

Most of everyone knows that my husband was in a band, Mark of the Sage. He's been too busy this past year to do much with them, but he loves performing. Here is the music video they made back in 2004.


http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=3408948

Last day

Today was my last day in the 4th grade class, I have completed my 30 hour observation. I really enjoyed being in there, I will miss them. :)

The teacher suggested we take a group picture, so we did!

Here we are!

They all made me a card! They were all so sweet, about how great I am and how much fun they had with me! I'm such a sucker for stuff like this! :)

Hee hee, I like this one, they drew me.


And this one, where they did me doing the battery & lightbulb lesson.

I love kids.

blah

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

blah
Current mood: working

I feel like all I have been doing the last several days is try to cram as much general studies information into my head for the OSAT. I have been reading about the causes and effects of all the major wars for the past several hours.I have no idea of any of this studying will do any good, but at least it makes me feel like I am doing something to prepare for it, and trying to pass it. Blah.

I went and got caught up reading the updates on Jessica Boone tonight too. She was the teenage girl I mentioned about a month ago that got hurt in the skiing accident in Colorado. Her family just amazes me. They have so much faith, and their relationship with God is amazing. Jessica is doing a little better each day it seems. She has been off the ventilator for a couple weeks now, and moves some on her own. She opens her eyes and watches people, follows them with her eyes. She holds her own head up for short periods of time when propped up. She lifts her hands and knees and holds thing and makes fists. But she still doesn't respond or follow commands on appear to understand anything going on. I just can't imagine. They have been there for 4 weeks now. I don't know if I could be that strong, and that encouraged. They are amazing people.

I have my last day at my observation in the 4th grade class tomorrow. So my last day to visit my Special Ed. class. I'm sad. I will probably go visit them at least one more time before they get out for the year though. My teacher told me there wasn't anything that could be done about the teacher, that we could just pray for her (She knows I am a Christian, and she is too) in hopes that she changes. And again, that teacher isn't a horrible person or a monster or anything. She just makes poor choices in my opinion. I think the kids could be treated better. My teacher did what she could, and let the people know that she could, but she said really that teacher is within her rights to do the things that I have witnessed, and it is just chalked up to ineffective teaching skills. Scary if you ask me. How many other "ineffective" teachers are there out there? In charge of our children?

On one hand I can't wait to be a teacher, and I am so excited. And on another hand, I just want to stay home for a while. My kids are growing up so fast, and they are only going to be young once, and need me so much for a short time in thier lives. I want to focus my time and energy on my family, and my house, and my book, and just life. Not be pulled in 50 directions at all times. Not spend all day and all night doing stuff for school. And I know when I am a teacher I will spend all day teaching and all night preparing to teach or grading, or whatever it is that I need to catch up on. And part of me is ready for that, because it is what I want to do with my life. I want to make a difference in the lives of children, I want to spend my life helping children succeed and realize their potential. But part of me just isn't ready to do it yet. Silly, I know. I fuss and complain that I'm still in school and haven't already graduated and that I should be done with this at the age of 30, but at the same time, I'm not ready to be done and off working. Like most people (I know I'm not the only one!) I went to work at the age of 16 and pretty much have been working since. I've gotten to take off a semester when I gave birth to Starla, but other than that I have either been working or in school (which is work!) or both. And I know that is just part of life, but sometimes I just wish I could just stay home and focus on that for a while. Not school, not work, just my family and my life. And I know that's not really fair though, because Alan works really hard so that I can not work and just go to school, and the plan has always been that I graduate and then he can step back and not work so much so that he can go to school. And then it's not fair to Alan's dad, who helps us out financially, to not go to work and start relying on him less. But I can't help wanting it.

I hate the end of the semester crunch time. Throw a huge certification test in there too, and I'm just overwhelmed.

Making the world a better place, one cupcake at a time.....

So I am going to make some monkey cupcakes for some friend's son's birthday party, and I wanted to make sure I could make them before the actual party. So I did a practice run! And because I go to The Velvet Monkey Salon, I thought I would take them up there when I got my hair done yesterday. I am the cupcake lady. :)

Aren't they cute? I even gave some of them crazy hair and bows.

Very cool signs!

My friend Kristal is a crafty, creative lady! She makes these very cool signs. She can put just about anything on them, and make them in any color. I ordered some for National Teacher's Day (May 5th, mark your calendars people!)

These are for the boys teachers

And these are for my professors!

And these!

She is even doing a free give-away right now on her site, so you should go check it out!

http://varelavoyage.blogspot.com/2009/04/need-some-signage.html

She can make them for kid's door signs, or famil names, or whatever you can possibly think of! Mother's day is coming up too! Great gift ideas!!!

OSAT

Monday, April 13, 2009

OSAT
Current mood: stressed

So my life this week is going to be all about studying and prepping for the OSAT on Saturday. Which is the Oklahoma Subject Area Test that all teachers have to take. Because I am an elementary education major, I have 2 tests to take. The first one has Reading/Language Arts and Social Studies and the second one has Math. Science, Health & Fitness and Visual Arts. They each have 50 multiple choice questions, and I have 4 hours to take them. The first one also has an essay where it gives me a scenario about a student with some sort of reading difficulties and I have to write an essay about what they are struggling with, and come up with at least 2 reading strategies that I would use for that student and why. Now the competencies (what is going to be on the test) for reading are like understand phonological skills and strategies related to reading, word identification, vocabulary development and reading comprehension. Great, no big deal. Math are things like understand mathematical communication, understand skills and concepts related to number and numeration, understand and apply the principles and properties of linear algebraic relations and functions, geometry, measurement, statistics, etc. etc. Good concrete things I can refresh and study for, no big deal. Science are things like understand the interrelationships among the physical and life sciences and the connections among science, technology and society, and understand physical and life science, apply inquiry skills , etc etc. Logical reasoning, I can handle that. P.E and Art? Not a big deal, those are pretty simple things. Now Social Studies, try understanding georgraphic concepts and phenomena, interrelationships of geography, society and culture, major ideas, eras themes, developments, turning points, and political principles of Oklahoma, the United States AND THE WORLD! What?!?! You mean I need to know absolutley everything there is to know about oklahoma, the U.S AND the WORLD?!?! How broad is that? I don't even know what to focus on in trying to study. I'm like reading the cliff notes version of history since the begining of time, it's ridiculous. Because I have no idea what it going to be on the test, half of this time spent sudying for it is most likely going to be in vain and a big waste of time, but I hope in reading everything I can, I MIGHT just hit upon the information I will need to answer whatever questions I get. It's nerve wracking. There are so many people at school that are on their 3rd attempt at taking this test, I'm just scared of not passing. Not only does it cost $60 for each one, so $120 total, but if you don't pass, you gotta pay it again and do it all over again! I have to pass before I student teach, which gives me 2 more test dates after this one to pass if by chance I don't on this try, but I REALLY want to pass this time. So any and every spare minute I get this week is going to be trying to cram history into my brain, while refreshing all of the other subjects as well. Talk about fun. I'm kinda stressing out about it, can you tell? ;)

Any of you praying folks, say a little prayer for me that I study the right things, and get the right questions that I have studied for, and that I pass. Thanks. :)

Egg in a bottle

Sunday, April 12, 2009
Egg in a bottle


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMENKgxSJK8

So tomorrow I get to perform my Science Inquiry Demonstration in class, which is "Egg-citing" Effects of Air pressure. You can check out this little girl doing it here in this video! I think it is going to be fun. I can't wait to be a teacher!

Cupcakes!

So my cupcake count for the week is up to 132. Yes, I am insane. :)

But aren't they so darn cute?!?!

I even started putting bow ties and hair bows on them. :)

Happy Easter!

This is my last blog for the night, I promise. :)

My fun new make-up

So I apologize for my dozen blogs tonight, lol. I haven't gotten the chance to really blog all week, which if you know me, is crazy. :) So I am making up for it while I have a minute.

I LOVE my new make-up! I couldn't get the pics to show how glittery it really is, you just gotta see it in person, but you can kinda tell. My whole eyeliner is just glitter, which is so pretty! It depends on your frame of reference though, I see glitter and think fun, fairy dust. Jamie sees glitter and thinks stripper. Lol. I had one of the older ladies in my class gush about my glitter eyeliner and tell me what a great teacher I am going to be because I am so fun. Ahhh. :)

Plus all the new eyeshadow colors are fun! Look at this green!

I can't wait to try out all the colors in the pack, there are like 20 or something! :)

Fun times with Friends

So last weekend was my weekend to go out. Alan was in Houston with his best friend, and my kiddos stayed the night with my parents both friday & saturday. Friday night was supposed to be a girls night in, because I had to get up for an all day class Saturday from 9-3pm. But my friends Jenny & Corey were in town from Texas, and they were going to be at Booger Reds singing karaoke, which is at the end of my block. So I thought, we should go even if just for a drink! And then our friend Kristi called because she had "had a day" with her screaming babies, and wanted to know if we wanted to get a drink. So we went to Booger Red, which is always fun just because of the variety of people there! :)I didn't think we were staying long, so we didn't put in a song to sing, but then we ended up staying a couple hours, but we never did put in a song. Maybe next time. :)

Kristi & Jamie

Jenny is so silly!

Then Saturday I got up and went to that all day class, where we didn't have any breaks at all, we even worked through lunch! But it was really neat and lots of fun. It was called "Project Wild" and it is about itegrating environmental programs within the class, and getting kids outside interacting with nature and learning outside of a classroom, and playing and running and being active. So we played a ton of games, which were alot of fun with a bunch of adults! We got really competitive, it was a blast. My science professor was there, we went for his class. Well earlier that week I had sent him the pics from my batters & lightbulbs lesson, since he is a science guy and I thought he would like it, and I so didn't realize I e-mailed them from my not so professional e-mail Gothmomma, instead of my TLittle account. Once I realized it the next morning, I was horrified, but he never said anything, so I didn't bring it up. But I thought, how unprofessional! So here at this class, he was holding the door and he said "After you, Gothmomma" I was so stinking embarassed. lol. Not only that, but he said he shared my e-mail name with 2 of the other professors and they thought it was hilarous. Yes, thanks for that. :) Anyways, this workshop was fun, and you walked away with 2 giant books full of lesson plans to use in your classroom, it is an amazing resource and I can't wait to start using it!

Then I went and picked up my kiddos for the afternoon and had dinner with them, and then took them back to my moms at 7pm. Jamie was with us, and she wanted to go to Ulta for some hair products. I had never been there. WE spent like 2 hours there, it was crazy. It is soooo expensive too! I am so cheap, I buy like the $6 cover girl and revlon make-up. I've never been a girlie girl who buys expensive make-up or perfume, or hair care. This is the first hair cute that I have had that I got get it done in a salon, and go get it re-done every 6 weeks, and I bought the expensive shampoo to take care of it, so I'm starting to get a bit more girlie. :) Anyways, this girl that worked there was doing someone's make-up and I said we should do that sometime, adn Jamie said go ask how we can do it. So I walked over to her and asked what we would have to do to get our make-up done, and she looked at the girl she was doing and they both giggled, and I said "This is your friend, you don't really do make-up, right?" and she said "yeah, but I can if you want me to!" so we did. She did both mine and Jamie's make-up. We felt so old after the whole ordeal though because this girl was 21, and young and giggly. Hee hee. I realize that I know absolutely nothing about make-up. And once you are in there for so long, your whole frame of reference is all off. When I first walked in (remember I buy Cover girl,lol) I was thinking $17 eyeliner was crazy, but after I was there for over an hour and saw how expensive some stuff was, like $50 for eye make-up, I was thinking "Oh, $30 for this eyeshadow kit isn't so bad compared to this $60 one, and $17 for this cute glitter eyeliner isn't much" Silly silly me. I spent WAY too much money on just make-up. But you know what, I LOVE it! I love all my new colors, they are so much fun. and I LOVE, LOVE my new glitter eyeliner!! I will post pics of it next. I'm not sure if I'm too old for glitter make-up, but I don't care, cuz I really like it!

Anyways. Then after we both spent too much money at Ulta, we wentand picked up some friends and went out to the bad SpeakEasy and met some other friends out there. It was fun.

Jamie and her make-up from the 21 year old Ulta girl. :)

Me & my make-up. Wow, can you say cleavage! This shirt is LOW cut! (Thanks courtney for all the clothes!)

Jamie & Simone

Sundi & Jamie

Simone & Me

I didn't venture out and get any froo froo fruity drinks this time, I stuck to my tried & true Jack & coke this weekend. :)

Me & Mike! I hadn't seen him in so long. I missed his smile. :)

Quinn (who HATES getting his picture taken) & Jamie.

I'm not sure if she's petting her, or reading her auora..... or what, lol

Big smiles from Simone!

Ah, isn't that sweet. The cute couple, Mike & Quinn.

And that was my fun times out! I stayed the night with Jamie that night and we got up and went and picked up the kiddos and took them to the medeival fair. And then that evening I went to my first Financial Peace University Class. (Thank goodness I went to Ulta the night before that......) :)