Tuesday, June 30, 2009
what happens next....
Current mood: calm
So today I went to the Dr to figure out what happens next with my medical stuff. The abnormal cells in my cervix are severe, the highest level without actually being cancer, so we have to remove them as soon as we can. The Dr gave me 3 options; hysterectomy so I don't have to ever worry about it again, the laser cone surgery like last time except a much more agressive and larger cone which in essence will amputate my cervix (i.e. no possible way to have more kids), or a partial cone surgery removing all the cells but leaving as much as the cervix behind so that I have a possibility of having another kid, however he would have to permanently seal my cervix when it came time to have a child to ensure it would hold the baby, and I would have to have a c-section. So I came home and discussed it with Alan and we decided to do the partial, since neither of us are completely ready to say we absolutley without a doubt, don't want to have another child. This is a temporary fix though, as long as I have a cervix the possibility of it coming back remains. It has been 5 years this time, so it may be another 5 years before it does, or it may not be at all. But the possibility remains. So in the end, I may end up having my cervix removed or having a hysterectomy at some point, but this buys us some time to decide if we want another kid or not. I haven't scheduled it yet, but I will call and schedule it at some point today, but I have no idea when it will be just yet. He said as soon as possible, but in Dr speak that could be months, lol. So that's that.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
a moment of peace.....
Monday, June 29, 2009
a moment of peace.....
Current mood: chill
So Starla is asleep, and the boys are in their rooms cleaning..... or at least that is what they are supposed to be doing! So I have a bit of peace and quiet! Although I should be doing something more productive than sitting here on the computer, I really need my time to decompress and write.
And the kids go stay the night with my mom tonight so that I can use tonight and tomorrow after my Dr's appointment to study for astronomy, so I know that I will be getting some time as well. I have to write a paper for the class, I guess that's what I will do first, since I don't have to take the test until next monday due to the holiday weekend.
So I have not been doing well on my diet the last week or so. I keep cheating and eating stuff I shouldn't. I will have a good day, and lose a pound or so, and then a bad day and gain, then I'll lose, then I'll gain.......bacially staying in the same place, I gotta get control of it! So I have decided that I gotta get back in gear and stay on track. Starting today there will be not one single bite of something I shouldn't have until Alan's b-day, which is next week. I can last a week, I've done it recently, I can do it again!! I'm still losing inches even though I'm basically maintaining my weight, but I want to lose a bunch more, so I need to get serious again. I know it's because I have been stressed, and I eat when I am stressed, I just need to find a way to stop doing that. Easier said than done, but I tend to be stubborn when I put my mind to it, so I just gotta decide that I can do this and be stubborn enough to pull it off.
Bourbon came back home from his dad's today, it's always weird to have one of your kids disappear every other weekend. I'm not sure I will ever get used to it. Matt told me before they left friday that his wife is expecting, so Bourbon will be getting another sibling. Their daughter Autumn will be 5 in Oct. So that's exciting for him. Roman doesn't quite understand why they aren't somehow related to him too, and why he can't go with Bourbon. Bourbon gets to go on vacation with Matt in 2 weeks for a week. They are going to go to SeaWorld and Schlitterbahn, which I'm very excited for him. But it's also hard to explain to Roman why Bourbon gets to do things that he doesn't get to. I always try not to go out and do anything real fun while Bourbon is gone, because I feel bad that he isn't a part of it, and i want to wait for him to come along. But I might just have to make that week really fun for Roman so that it eases the sting of not getting to go to SeaWorld and Schlitterbahn. That week Harry Potter comes out, and I've never let the boys go with me to the midnight viewing because they've been too young, and plus they have been getting kinda scary and mature as each one goes by, so I like to view it first before they do. But I think I am going to let Roman go this time, because it will be an extra special treat for him to go. And the next night is the Harry Potter science sleep over at the omniplex, and I think him & I are going to go to that too, so that will be lots of fun. I e-mailed my in-laws today so see if they would keep Starla those 2 nights so that we could go, so we shall see.
Next week is Alan's birthday, so we've been getting ready for that. He doesn't like to do big parties or anything. His comfort zone is a few people, just laid back, so that's what we are going to do. Me, I love parties and the more the merrier. Which I am excited that this year's watermelon festival in rush springs falls on my birthday, so that's how I plan on spending my day! ANd anyone who wants to come with us can!! All of the kids birthdays are falling into place too, which never happens this early, I am so excited. Usually Bourbon can't make up his mind and will wait until the last possible moment to decide what he wants, so I am thrilled that he has already chosen a rock band rock star party at home. And Starla has been talking about her yo gabba party at the omniplex for months now, so I went ahead and booked that one for her and have been shopping around for her supplies. And Roman has decided he wants a wrestling party, so now we just have to decide where to have it. So I can spend part of the summer planning and gathering ideas and supplies for the parties, since I won't have much time to do that once I start student teaching. I love planning parties, I really think birthday parties are one of my favorite parts about having kids. One of many favorite things of course.
a moment of peace.....
Current mood: chill
So Starla is asleep, and the boys are in their rooms cleaning..... or at least that is what they are supposed to be doing! So I have a bit of peace and quiet! Although I should be doing something more productive than sitting here on the computer, I really need my time to decompress and write.
And the kids go stay the night with my mom tonight so that I can use tonight and tomorrow after my Dr's appointment to study for astronomy, so I know that I will be getting some time as well. I have to write a paper for the class, I guess that's what I will do first, since I don't have to take the test until next monday due to the holiday weekend.
So I have not been doing well on my diet the last week or so. I keep cheating and eating stuff I shouldn't. I will have a good day, and lose a pound or so, and then a bad day and gain, then I'll lose, then I'll gain.......bacially staying in the same place, I gotta get control of it! So I have decided that I gotta get back in gear and stay on track. Starting today there will be not one single bite of something I shouldn't have until Alan's b-day, which is next week. I can last a week, I've done it recently, I can do it again!! I'm still losing inches even though I'm basically maintaining my weight, but I want to lose a bunch more, so I need to get serious again. I know it's because I have been stressed, and I eat when I am stressed, I just need to find a way to stop doing that. Easier said than done, but I tend to be stubborn when I put my mind to it, so I just gotta decide that I can do this and be stubborn enough to pull it off.
Bourbon came back home from his dad's today, it's always weird to have one of your kids disappear every other weekend. I'm not sure I will ever get used to it. Matt told me before they left friday that his wife is expecting, so Bourbon will be getting another sibling. Their daughter Autumn will be 5 in Oct. So that's exciting for him. Roman doesn't quite understand why they aren't somehow related to him too, and why he can't go with Bourbon. Bourbon gets to go on vacation with Matt in 2 weeks for a week. They are going to go to SeaWorld and Schlitterbahn, which I'm very excited for him. But it's also hard to explain to Roman why Bourbon gets to do things that he doesn't get to. I always try not to go out and do anything real fun while Bourbon is gone, because I feel bad that he isn't a part of it, and i want to wait for him to come along. But I might just have to make that week really fun for Roman so that it eases the sting of not getting to go to SeaWorld and Schlitterbahn. That week Harry Potter comes out, and I've never let the boys go with me to the midnight viewing because they've been too young, and plus they have been getting kinda scary and mature as each one goes by, so I like to view it first before they do. But I think I am going to let Roman go this time, because it will be an extra special treat for him to go. And the next night is the Harry Potter science sleep over at the omniplex, and I think him & I are going to go to that too, so that will be lots of fun. I e-mailed my in-laws today so see if they would keep Starla those 2 nights so that we could go, so we shall see.
Next week is Alan's birthday, so we've been getting ready for that. He doesn't like to do big parties or anything. His comfort zone is a few people, just laid back, so that's what we are going to do. Me, I love parties and the more the merrier. Which I am excited that this year's watermelon festival in rush springs falls on my birthday, so that's how I plan on spending my day! ANd anyone who wants to come with us can!! All of the kids birthdays are falling into place too, which never happens this early, I am so excited. Usually Bourbon can't make up his mind and will wait until the last possible moment to decide what he wants, so I am thrilled that he has already chosen a rock band rock star party at home. And Starla has been talking about her yo gabba party at the omniplex for months now, so I went ahead and booked that one for her and have been shopping around for her supplies. And Roman has decided he wants a wrestling party, so now we just have to decide where to have it. So I can spend part of the summer planning and gathering ideas and supplies for the parties, since I won't have much time to do that once I start student teaching. I love planning parties, I really think birthday parties are one of my favorite parts about having kids. One of many favorite things of course.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
my rant for Jon & Kate plus 8......
Saturday, June 27, 2009
my rant for Jon & Kate plus 8.....
Current mood: aggravated
Ok, let me get up on my soap box for a moment. CAN EVERYONE PLEASE JUST LEAVE THESE POOR PEOPLE ALONE?!?! Seriously?
I am so sad that they are divorcing, so sad that they can't figure out a way to make it work. I hate that they are just another statistic now. But do I feel the need to tear them apart or judge or criticize them? No. But yet everyone and their mother seems to think they have the right to judge them, to assume they know what's "really" going on, to criticize each of them and their parenting skills and abilities. Have you ever had 6 kids at once to take care of? Not to mention 8 total kids? Are you the perfect wife, mother, husband, father, fill in the blank? Do you ever have bad days annd yell too much or say things you wish you didn't? Oh my goodness, you mean that your human too?! Well so are Jon & Kate! Amazing concept, I know. And half of these people blogging, or writing stories for tabloids say that they asked for it by having a show, but really? Do you think that's what Jon & Kate had in mind when they signed up for the show? They found a way to provide for their children that allowed them to be with them and to do lots of fun things with them, bravo I say. They are willing to show us the good, the bad and the ugly. But does that give us all a right to judge them and assume we would do a better job? Because God knows I could not do a better job than Kate has done with those kids, and I think I am a damn good mother. Is she perfect? No, so why do we expect her to be? Why do we think she's not going to have flaws? Why do we think Jon isn't going to have flaws? Because they ar eon TV, and TV is supposed to be perfect? And even Kate's brother and wife that keep doing interviews about how they are outraged and how the kids are in jeaopardy, blah blah blah. I persoanlly think they too are trying to have their 15 minutes of fame, and are just pissed off that they got kicked off the show several seasons back, and they don't know any more about the family than what they read in tabloids like the rest of us because they don't talk to them anymore, yet they talk as if they know what's "really" going on. If they were really that concerned with Jon & Kate airing personal stuff to the world, like they say, then why in hell would they also be on TV airing personal stuff about Jon & Kate?! Because they want their 15 minutes of fame. Plain and simple. And it makes me angry. Leave them alone!!! If you don't like them, DON'T WATCH THEM! Novel idea I know! Why waste your time and energy belitteling them, writing blogs about them (have you seen how many anti-Jon & Kate blogs there are out there?! That basically give a play by play account of each episode and why JOn & Kate are terrible people. Really? You want to waste your life taking soooo much time investing in and keeping up with a blog just because you dislike someone? Don't you have something else better to do?! If you spent that time doing something positive to help the community or even to better your own life, wouldn't that be sooo much better? I don't get it) and putting them down? Give them some peace!!!!! Who are you to judge them, when you have no idea what it's like to live their life?
It's hard for me to watch them go through this. The footage of the kids 5th birthday party, the series premier, where it was obvious Jon & Kate hadn't been around eachother in some time, and that he wasn't even at the house, that was painful. Because I've been through it, when Alan & I split, and Roman's birthday party, it was hell. It was hard and painful, and I can't even imagine having a camera catching it all on film and the rest of the world watching, and then telling me what an awful person I am or what I did wrong, etc. Don't you think she knows what her faults are? Don't you know what yours are? Can you just fix your faults overnight and be better? Because I sure can't, and yet we expect that of them for some reason. And everyone is quick to say "well then just walk away from the show then." do you think that's actually going to fix anything? First of all, no one will leave them alone for quite some time after that anyways. and then how in the world do you expect them to support 8 kids? Can you imagine being a single mother to 8 kids? She would have to get 3 jobs, and then never see her children. The money they have made might last for a while, but really, in the long haul, will she be able to help them get into college, cars, clothes etc? Would she be able to afford a staff that helps her (could you take care of a house and 8 kids without help?! without going insane?!) keep her sanity? Maybe she has grown accustomed to the nicer things in life that the show has provided, but don't you think she's also thankful for what it provides her kids? The life that she can give her kids if they continue to do the show? Would those kids have gotten to do all the things they have done if they didn't have the show? No! So sucking it up and putting her pain and humilation and faults on TV IS for the kids, because she can give them the kind of life that parents dream about giving their kids. And everyone gets so put out that they get all kinds of free stuff, but WHO CARES?! The jealous people that aren't getting free stuff, THAT'S who cares. Is it really hurting any of us that her kids get free crooked houses, and free trips to disney world? Why does that make them bad people? Because they accept freebies? Wouldn't you?! I sure as heck would!
I say if you've never had to deal with the things someone else had, you have no right to speak ill about them or judge them or think you could do better, unless you have done better in the SAME EXACT CIRCUMSTANCES, which is never going to happen, so SHUT IT!
ok, I'm getting off my soapbox. I like the show, the like the kids, I like the parents. Do I think they are perfect? No, she has faults, he has faults, they are human. I'm not saying they are wonderful just because I like them. I just like them, probably because they are human and they do have faults.
my rant for Jon & Kate plus 8.....
Current mood: aggravated
Ok, let me get up on my soap box for a moment. CAN EVERYONE PLEASE JUST LEAVE THESE POOR PEOPLE ALONE?!?! Seriously?
I am so sad that they are divorcing, so sad that they can't figure out a way to make it work. I hate that they are just another statistic now. But do I feel the need to tear them apart or judge or criticize them? No. But yet everyone and their mother seems to think they have the right to judge them, to assume they know what's "really" going on, to criticize each of them and their parenting skills and abilities. Have you ever had 6 kids at once to take care of? Not to mention 8 total kids? Are you the perfect wife, mother, husband, father, fill in the blank? Do you ever have bad days annd yell too much or say things you wish you didn't? Oh my goodness, you mean that your human too?! Well so are Jon & Kate! Amazing concept, I know. And half of these people blogging, or writing stories for tabloids say that they asked for it by having a show, but really? Do you think that's what Jon & Kate had in mind when they signed up for the show? They found a way to provide for their children that allowed them to be with them and to do lots of fun things with them, bravo I say. They are willing to show us the good, the bad and the ugly. But does that give us all a right to judge them and assume we would do a better job? Because God knows I could not do a better job than Kate has done with those kids, and I think I am a damn good mother. Is she perfect? No, so why do we expect her to be? Why do we think she's not going to have flaws? Why do we think Jon isn't going to have flaws? Because they ar eon TV, and TV is supposed to be perfect? And even Kate's brother and wife that keep doing interviews about how they are outraged and how the kids are in jeaopardy, blah blah blah. I persoanlly think they too are trying to have their 15 minutes of fame, and are just pissed off that they got kicked off the show several seasons back, and they don't know any more about the family than what they read in tabloids like the rest of us because they don't talk to them anymore, yet they talk as if they know what's "really" going on. If they were really that concerned with Jon & Kate airing personal stuff to the world, like they say, then why in hell would they also be on TV airing personal stuff about Jon & Kate?! Because they want their 15 minutes of fame. Plain and simple. And it makes me angry. Leave them alone!!! If you don't like them, DON'T WATCH THEM! Novel idea I know! Why waste your time and energy belitteling them, writing blogs about them (have you seen how many anti-Jon & Kate blogs there are out there?! That basically give a play by play account of each episode and why JOn & Kate are terrible people. Really? You want to waste your life taking soooo much time investing in and keeping up with a blog just because you dislike someone? Don't you have something else better to do?! If you spent that time doing something positive to help the community or even to better your own life, wouldn't that be sooo much better? I don't get it) and putting them down? Give them some peace!!!!! Who are you to judge them, when you have no idea what it's like to live their life?
It's hard for me to watch them go through this. The footage of the kids 5th birthday party, the series premier, where it was obvious Jon & Kate hadn't been around eachother in some time, and that he wasn't even at the house, that was painful. Because I've been through it, when Alan & I split, and Roman's birthday party, it was hell. It was hard and painful, and I can't even imagine having a camera catching it all on film and the rest of the world watching, and then telling me what an awful person I am or what I did wrong, etc. Don't you think she knows what her faults are? Don't you know what yours are? Can you just fix your faults overnight and be better? Because I sure can't, and yet we expect that of them for some reason. And everyone is quick to say "well then just walk away from the show then." do you think that's actually going to fix anything? First of all, no one will leave them alone for quite some time after that anyways. and then how in the world do you expect them to support 8 kids? Can you imagine being a single mother to 8 kids? She would have to get 3 jobs, and then never see her children. The money they have made might last for a while, but really, in the long haul, will she be able to help them get into college, cars, clothes etc? Would she be able to afford a staff that helps her (could you take care of a house and 8 kids without help?! without going insane?!) keep her sanity? Maybe she has grown accustomed to the nicer things in life that the show has provided, but don't you think she's also thankful for what it provides her kids? The life that she can give her kids if they continue to do the show? Would those kids have gotten to do all the things they have done if they didn't have the show? No! So sucking it up and putting her pain and humilation and faults on TV IS for the kids, because she can give them the kind of life that parents dream about giving their kids. And everyone gets so put out that they get all kinds of free stuff, but WHO CARES?! The jealous people that aren't getting free stuff, THAT'S who cares. Is it really hurting any of us that her kids get free crooked houses, and free trips to disney world? Why does that make them bad people? Because they accept freebies? Wouldn't you?! I sure as heck would!
I say if you've never had to deal with the things someone else had, you have no right to speak ill about them or judge them or think you could do better, unless you have done better in the SAME EXACT CIRCUMSTANCES, which is never going to happen, so SHUT IT!
ok, I'm getting off my soapbox. I like the show, the like the kids, I like the parents. Do I think they are perfect? No, she has faults, he has faults, they are human. I'm not saying they are wonderful just because I like them. I just like them, probably because they are human and they do have faults.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
It's been a day......
Thursday, June 25, 2009
It's been a day.....
Current mood: distressed
It's been one of those weird days. With Roman sick, we were home all day, which is unusual for us in itself, lol. We did a Harry Potter themed day. After playing outside in the water this morning, we came in and listened to about 3 hours of the audio book of the first Harry Potter book. Then when Starla went to bed the boys & did some Harry Potter science stuff from a kit I got forever ago. They had fun. Then after dinner we watched the first movie. I love Harry Potter, and can't wait until the next movie comes out in a few weeks.
I'm not a big "sharing" person, but then again I am. It's the whole walking contradiction thing I have going on. I tend to be very guarded with my emotions and personal stuff, it's my defense mechanism I think, ingrained so deep within that I'm pretty sure its just a bit of who I am. But then again, I can be so free flowing sometimes and share more than is appropriate or necessary, I don't know how to explain it. But my comfort zone is in the written word, I share so much better in my blog and in e-mails, etc, than I do in person. I don't know why, I just get uncomfortable sometimes talking about personal things or emotions or whatever face to face. Silly, I know, but it's me. So anyways that's why it is easy for me to share stuff here that I might not talk about so much. I downplay things too, it's how I cope, how I get by. I don't like drama, I don't like making things out to be bigger than they are. This is all my way of leading into my next subject.....
Back in 2004 I had abnormal "pre-cancerous" cells in my cervix that I had removed with laser leep surgery. Really not that big of a deal. Because I have this virus that causes abnormal cells, I am closely monitored by my gyno, doing paps 2-3, sometimes it was even 4 times a year. I've had clean ones since the surgery in 2004. And in fact, the Dr was about to let me go back to once a year, and I had asked what was the likelyhood of the abnormal cells coming back and he had told me it would be very unlikely, this was 2 paps ago. That very pap came back with weird results, but showed no abnormal cells. So they said it was probably just a fluke, no big deal and they would do another one in 3 months. So that one was a month or so ago, and it again came back with bad results, but so far nothing showed the abnormal cells. To be on the safe side, my Dr had me do a biopsy, which was last week. After a week of waiting for the results, I finally got a hold of them today and they said there are abnormal cells and I need to come in next tuesday to discuss what comes next. We had already talked about some things that might happen if I had abnormal cells again. One was that I might need to have the surgery on my cervix again, to remove the bad cells. If I had this surgery, more than likely I wouldn't be able to carry a baby again, my cervix will be too weak. Now I'm not even sure I want any more kids, I think I have my hands full as it is. But I'm also not sure that I DON'T want more kids, and don't really want to make that decision right now, so this is really the major impact of this situation. That and it's uncomfortable and expensive, and we don't have health insurance. The term "pre-cancerous" is more scary than it sounds, because we know it will never turn into cancer since we stay on top of it, so medically it's really not that big of a deal other than being a pain in my rear. I don't want to make it out to be this big deal like I've got cancer or that it's some medically horrible thing, because really it's not. It's just aggravating. I didn't even see the need to really tell people until after the biopsy, because I don't see the point in worrying people or causing comotion if it turned out there was nothing to worry about. But now I figure since more than likely I will have to do the surgery again, I might as well share. And even the surgery isn't that big of a deal, it's an outpatient thing, they just take a laser and remove the part of my cervix that has the bad cells. I'm only down for about a day, and then it's life as usual. So I don't want anyone to get worried or alarmed. Again the major effects are financial and whether or not I can carry another child. And if I can't, then I suppose I wasn't meant to have more kids. And I think I can be ok with that, because really I don't know if I could handle any more!
So very quickly after getting that news from the Dr', my mom texted me to tell me that my grandpa had a stroke and was in the hospital. My parents spent some time with him and said he will be ok, so that's good. I plan on going up to the hospital tomorrow and seeing him. He's been in poor health the last couple of years anyways, and it just reminds me that I really need to spend more time with him. I have had the idea for several years now to video record him talking about his life and growing up and his kids growing up, and basically our family stories, and making a video of it. I have some footage, but not nearly enough, and I really need to get in gear and spend some time doing that this summer before it's too late. I love my grandparents. They are such great people, and I love knowing where I come from and that my kids know and have relationships with their grandparents. I think that is important. I'm no ready for them to not be around. :(
And I can't believe Michael Jackson died today!! How crazy is that?! Yes, he is a bit of a freak, and yes it's questionable whether he's been doing inappropriate things with kids all these years, but really he is such an icon and was an amazing contrivutor to the music scene that even if you think he's a freak, you have to give him credit where credit is due. He was a very talented man with a lot to offer the world. He will be missed.
And Farah Fawcett, and Ed Mcmahon. Hollywood is losing some of it's greatest. So very sad.
I'm just feeling very overwhelmed by life right now. My house gets increasingly dirty and disorganized. It's amazingly hard for me to figure out in the summer how to balance the kids and the house. With 3 kids underfoot ALLL day, it's hard to get anything done! Once you get one room clean, they are in the next making a mess, and when you move to that one to clean, they are in the previous room making a mess. Not to mention that I just don't have the time to clean, because entertaining the kids takes precedent since they are louder and more demanding than the housework! lol. So the clutter and chaos just adds to my stress, and trying to find the time and opportunity to do something about it stresses me out as well sometimes. Then I can't seem to focus on my astronomy class, and it's about time for the 2nd test and I haven't even really begun, which there are 5 chapters to read in the textbook, 5 chapters to work in the study guide, 5 30 min videos to watch and like 2 2 hour lectures of my professor to watch. And I just don't know where I am going to find the time and opportunity to do it. In the summer I tend to focus on the kids and that's pretty much it. I plan our days to keep them active, keep them entertained, keep them stiumulated and learning, and everything else just gets put on the backburner, but I haven't figure out how to balance it any other way. So at this very moment in time I'm feeling very overwhelmed and crazy. But I'm not one that stays down long, so I'm sure it will pass quickly. I just need to send the kids away for a weekend to the in-laws or something and tackle the house, tackle my schoolwork and get into gear. But everytime I try to find a weekend that will work, it just doesn't seem to be anytime in our near future! Something is always in the way. So for the moment I just gotta deal with it. Such is life.
And I'm amazed if you have made it this far, but it's good for me to vent and get it all out anyways, because blogging, and writing in general, is how I process stuff and put it all into perspective!! SWo even if no one reads it, it is helpful anyways. :)
It's been a day.....
Current mood: distressed
It's been one of those weird days. With Roman sick, we were home all day, which is unusual for us in itself, lol. We did a Harry Potter themed day. After playing outside in the water this morning, we came in and listened to about 3 hours of the audio book of the first Harry Potter book. Then when Starla went to bed the boys & did some Harry Potter science stuff from a kit I got forever ago. They had fun. Then after dinner we watched the first movie. I love Harry Potter, and can't wait until the next movie comes out in a few weeks.
I'm not a big "sharing" person, but then again I am. It's the whole walking contradiction thing I have going on. I tend to be very guarded with my emotions and personal stuff, it's my defense mechanism I think, ingrained so deep within that I'm pretty sure its just a bit of who I am. But then again, I can be so free flowing sometimes and share more than is appropriate or necessary, I don't know how to explain it. But my comfort zone is in the written word, I share so much better in my blog and in e-mails, etc, than I do in person. I don't know why, I just get uncomfortable sometimes talking about personal things or emotions or whatever face to face. Silly, I know, but it's me. So anyways that's why it is easy for me to share stuff here that I might not talk about so much. I downplay things too, it's how I cope, how I get by. I don't like drama, I don't like making things out to be bigger than they are. This is all my way of leading into my next subject.....
Back in 2004 I had abnormal "pre-cancerous" cells in my cervix that I had removed with laser leep surgery. Really not that big of a deal. Because I have this virus that causes abnormal cells, I am closely monitored by my gyno, doing paps 2-3, sometimes it was even 4 times a year. I've had clean ones since the surgery in 2004. And in fact, the Dr was about to let me go back to once a year, and I had asked what was the likelyhood of the abnormal cells coming back and he had told me it would be very unlikely, this was 2 paps ago. That very pap came back with weird results, but showed no abnormal cells. So they said it was probably just a fluke, no big deal and they would do another one in 3 months. So that one was a month or so ago, and it again came back with bad results, but so far nothing showed the abnormal cells. To be on the safe side, my Dr had me do a biopsy, which was last week. After a week of waiting for the results, I finally got a hold of them today and they said there are abnormal cells and I need to come in next tuesday to discuss what comes next. We had already talked about some things that might happen if I had abnormal cells again. One was that I might need to have the surgery on my cervix again, to remove the bad cells. If I had this surgery, more than likely I wouldn't be able to carry a baby again, my cervix will be too weak. Now I'm not even sure I want any more kids, I think I have my hands full as it is. But I'm also not sure that I DON'T want more kids, and don't really want to make that decision right now, so this is really the major impact of this situation. That and it's uncomfortable and expensive, and we don't have health insurance. The term "pre-cancerous" is more scary than it sounds, because we know it will never turn into cancer since we stay on top of it, so medically it's really not that big of a deal other than being a pain in my rear. I don't want to make it out to be this big deal like I've got cancer or that it's some medically horrible thing, because really it's not. It's just aggravating. I didn't even see the need to really tell people until after the biopsy, because I don't see the point in worrying people or causing comotion if it turned out there was nothing to worry about. But now I figure since more than likely I will have to do the surgery again, I might as well share. And even the surgery isn't that big of a deal, it's an outpatient thing, they just take a laser and remove the part of my cervix that has the bad cells. I'm only down for about a day, and then it's life as usual. So I don't want anyone to get worried or alarmed. Again the major effects are financial and whether or not I can carry another child. And if I can't, then I suppose I wasn't meant to have more kids. And I think I can be ok with that, because really I don't know if I could handle any more!
So very quickly after getting that news from the Dr', my mom texted me to tell me that my grandpa had a stroke and was in the hospital. My parents spent some time with him and said he will be ok, so that's good. I plan on going up to the hospital tomorrow and seeing him. He's been in poor health the last couple of years anyways, and it just reminds me that I really need to spend more time with him. I have had the idea for several years now to video record him talking about his life and growing up and his kids growing up, and basically our family stories, and making a video of it. I have some footage, but not nearly enough, and I really need to get in gear and spend some time doing that this summer before it's too late. I love my grandparents. They are such great people, and I love knowing where I come from and that my kids know and have relationships with their grandparents. I think that is important. I'm no ready for them to not be around. :(
And I can't believe Michael Jackson died today!! How crazy is that?! Yes, he is a bit of a freak, and yes it's questionable whether he's been doing inappropriate things with kids all these years, but really he is such an icon and was an amazing contrivutor to the music scene that even if you think he's a freak, you have to give him credit where credit is due. He was a very talented man with a lot to offer the world. He will be missed.
And Farah Fawcett, and Ed Mcmahon. Hollywood is losing some of it's greatest. So very sad.
I'm just feeling very overwhelmed by life right now. My house gets increasingly dirty and disorganized. It's amazingly hard for me to figure out in the summer how to balance the kids and the house. With 3 kids underfoot ALLL day, it's hard to get anything done! Once you get one room clean, they are in the next making a mess, and when you move to that one to clean, they are in the previous room making a mess. Not to mention that I just don't have the time to clean, because entertaining the kids takes precedent since they are louder and more demanding than the housework! lol. So the clutter and chaos just adds to my stress, and trying to find the time and opportunity to do something about it stresses me out as well sometimes. Then I can't seem to focus on my astronomy class, and it's about time for the 2nd test and I haven't even really begun, which there are 5 chapters to read in the textbook, 5 chapters to work in the study guide, 5 30 min videos to watch and like 2 2 hour lectures of my professor to watch. And I just don't know where I am going to find the time and opportunity to do it. In the summer I tend to focus on the kids and that's pretty much it. I plan our days to keep them active, keep them entertained, keep them stiumulated and learning, and everything else just gets put on the backburner, but I haven't figure out how to balance it any other way. So at this very moment in time I'm feeling very overwhelmed and crazy. But I'm not one that stays down long, so I'm sure it will pass quickly. I just need to send the kids away for a weekend to the in-laws or something and tackle the house, tackle my schoolwork and get into gear. But everytime I try to find a weekend that will work, it just doesn't seem to be anytime in our near future! Something is always in the way. So for the moment I just gotta deal with it. Such is life.
And I'm amazed if you have made it this far, but it's good for me to vent and get it all out anyways, because blogging, and writing in general, is how I process stuff and put it all into perspective!! SWo even if no one reads it, it is helpful anyways. :)
Monday, June 22, 2009
My lil' chefs & father's day
If you wanna see a blog about my boys making us meals, go here:
http://ourlittlefamily-tonya.blogspot.com/2009/06/my-lil-chefs.html
or our father's day celebration (including the awesome longhorn cookies I made!) go here:
http://ourlittlefamily-tonya.blogspot.com/2009/06/happy-fathers-day.html
Silly blogspot won't let me copy & paste from one blogspot blog to another, which is soooo silly. And I don't have time to do the same blog twice, lol.
http://ourlittlefamily-tonya.blogspot.com/2009/06/my-lil-chefs.html
or our father's day celebration (including the awesome longhorn cookies I made!) go here:
http://ourlittlefamily-tonya.blogspot.com/2009/06/happy-fathers-day.html
Silly blogspot won't let me copy & paste from one blogspot blog to another, which is soooo silly. And I don't have time to do the same blog twice, lol.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Blueberry Picking!
Thursday was opening day for blueberry picking at Prarie Farms in Stroud, so we headed there for some yummy fun!
We were so glad that our friends Kristal, Ari & Noah got to come with us too!
Starla ready to work!
She liked finding the ripe berries.
Roman!
Bourbon!
Looking for a good bush to pick
Kristal took this picture, isn't it cute?! Taking a break!
Starla did a great job only picking the big blue ones, she sounded like a broken record though; "here's one!", "here's one!", "here's one!" everytime she found one, which was probably a hundred times by the time we left!
Hard at work!
Me!
Noah & Kristal filling up their bucket!
Roman & Noah take a break to pose!
Roman & Noah feeding eachother blueberries, lol
Kristal & Ari picking away!
Wow, look at that haul! Imagine all the things that we can make with these!!
All done, heading to the car!
Now I am looking forward to making some blueberry jelly, and blueberry baked goods!
We were so glad that our friends Kristal, Ari & Noah got to come with us too!
Starla ready to work!
She liked finding the ripe berries.
Roman!
Bourbon!
Looking for a good bush to pick
Kristal took this picture, isn't it cute?! Taking a break!
Starla did a great job only picking the big blue ones, she sounded like a broken record though; "here's one!", "here's one!", "here's one!" everytime she found one, which was probably a hundred times by the time we left!
Hard at work!
Me!
Noah & Kristal filling up their bucket!
Roman & Noah take a break to pose!
Roman & Noah feeding eachother blueberries, lol
Kristal & Ari picking away!
Wow, look at that haul! Imagine all the things that we can make with these!!
All done, heading to the car!
Now I am looking forward to making some blueberry jelly, and blueberry baked goods!
Play date
We had some friends come over this week to join us for lunch and some water fun!
Kristal hanging out with Kinley
Tai tries out the pool
Playing in the pool
Noah & Finn enjoy popsicles
Kristi & Olivia
Sawyer loved Big Tex
Starla & Finn
Melissa & Pheonix
Hanging out in the backyard!
We are so lucky to have such a wonderful network of friends!
Kristal hanging out with Kinley
Tai tries out the pool
Playing in the pool
Noah & Finn enjoy popsicles
Kristi & Olivia
Sawyer loved Big Tex
Starla & Finn
Melissa & Pheonix
Hanging out in the backyard!
We are so lucky to have such a wonderful network of friends!
Friday, June 19, 2009
Fun times!
We love, love love our bowling summer passes! We have such a good time, and we keep out of the hot sun! :)
This was actually last week, when the boys were out of town, and my neice meadow joined us!
Jamie joined us for some bowling!
Jamie and the gals!
This is my friend from school, Lori and her children Mariah and Sam. Lori is the sweetest, most encouragin and supportive person you will ever meet!! I am so lucky to know her!
Starla has been obsessed recently with building "tall towers" as she calls them out of legos. Only recently has she started color coding them though, lol. And she likes to count how many legos are in each tower. She will do this for HOURS! Which is great, because then I can get things done! :)
Playing in the spray pad in bricktown. I had told the boys that we were going here after the movie this day, but they never pay attention (and I of course stopped checking their clothes forever ago, but should know by now to do that. I'm oblivious to what they are wearing until I realize it's inappropriate! lol) and both of them wore pants. So Roman, not modest at all, stripped down to his undies, but Bourbon just played in his jeans!
Bourbon spelled out Starla's name in legos!
I think she is the cutest thing ever....
Making silly faces
This was actually last week, when the boys were out of town, and my neice meadow joined us!
Jamie joined us for some bowling!
Jamie and the gals!
This is my friend from school, Lori and her children Mariah and Sam. Lori is the sweetest, most encouragin and supportive person you will ever meet!! I am so lucky to know her!
Starla has been obsessed recently with building "tall towers" as she calls them out of legos. Only recently has she started color coding them though, lol. And she likes to count how many legos are in each tower. She will do this for HOURS! Which is great, because then I can get things done! :)
Playing in the spray pad in bricktown. I had told the boys that we were going here after the movie this day, but they never pay attention (and I of course stopped checking their clothes forever ago, but should know by now to do that. I'm oblivious to what they are wearing until I realize it's inappropriate! lol) and both of them wore pants. So Roman, not modest at all, stripped down to his undies, but Bourbon just played in his jeans!
Bourbon spelled out Starla's name in legos!
I think she is the cutest thing ever....
Making silly faces
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