Our story

So after my blog about Alan & I going through so much and making through on the other side, I had several people ask me how me made it through, and how we worked through so much stuff. This was a blog that pretty much said it all that I posted years ago, so I thought I would just repost it for those that were interested in 'our story'.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

my God is an awesome God!
Current mood: grateful

I went to church last night so I could sleep in this morning, and the ending question to the sermon was "When was the last time you told someone who was not a Christ follower about something great God has done in your life". And I wish I could say all the time, but the truth is I am not very good at the whole witnessing thing, and I'm not sure why. I've never been comfortable sharing about God or Jesus unless someone specifically asks or brings it up, and I'm trying to get better. I remember before I was a fully functioning christian, when people used to witness to me or talk about God, how fake and phoney they sounded to me, they rarely sounded real to me, and I don't want to come off like that to anyone, but then again I'm not sure why I care. I know a big part of being a christian is to share the love of Jesus, and to help others find their way to him, but that is my area of opportunity and I hope I get better at it. Because my life is sooo much better now that I have God in it. It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't know what it means to have God in your life, and it's hard to explain the power of God when they've never experienced it. It's hard for me to explain how I know it is God doing things in my life and not just fate or coincidence, but I KNOW, I really KNOW in my heart that God does things for me, and if you don't have that faith or that belief in God, it all sounds phoney when someone who does tries to explain it. To me anyways. But God has done soo much for me, and continues every single day. I wouldn't have my marriage today without God. My husband and I had one of the most dysfunctional relationships before we were married, there was no faith, no trust, lots of pain and manipulation, infidelity, alcohol abuse, it was horrible. We went to 2 years of christian counseling, a year of it when we had broken up, and we were only there to learn how to stay friendly enough to still parent our children, it wasn't counseling to be back together. And I was adament that I never wanted to be with him again, I never wanted to go through the hell that was our relationship again, and I'd be damned if I ever gave him another chance, I wasn't even interested in trying again. But I kept getting this feeling, that I was supposed to try again, and at the time I had no clue that this was the power of God in my life, but I kept fighting it, like a little kid with their parent, I'd ignore it, argue with myself, say hell no was I going to give in and try again, but then it hit me that this was God, cuz it sure wasn't me I was really arguing with, I didn't want to try again so why would I need to fight with me about that? So finally I just prayed and I said "God, I really don't want to do this, but you know the big picture and I can only see today, so your will be done not mine, if this is what you want, and this is what is best for me, then I will do whatever you want me to, just lead the way, but if this is what I'm supposed to be doing, then you have to take all the pain, anger and resentment away that I have about our past, because I can't do it with all of this, and I can't get rid of it on my own, I've tried. So I am open to your will, take me where you want me to go" and almost instantly, within a few days, all of that anger, pain, jealousy, mistrust, all of it was gone, and I was just amazed, I had been fighting with all of this stuff for years and trying and trying to forgive and forget and release it all and to trust again, and nothing worked, and all of a sudden, it was all gone, and I knew God had taken it all away and I was amazed. I even tried to bring it back, and tried to get angry and mad, just to see, but I couldn't, it was truly gone. Suddenly I had loving feelings for him again that had been gone for a long time, it was like over night, one day I hated him and wanted nothing to do with him, and the next day I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, and I knew I didn't get there by myself. I would have never given him or our relationship another chance if I had not turned my life over to God and told him he was in charge and that I gave up control. Alan & I got back together in June of last year after a year apart, and by September we were married, and we have been so happy since. We haven't had a real fight since we got back together, when that's all we did was fight before. Not that we don't argue sometimes, or disagree, but it's in a healthy way now.There's not a doubt in my mind about him being faithful, when that's all I had before were doubts, jealousy, absolutley no trust or faith. And I couldn't have done it without God's help, there's things we just can't do on our own, no matter how hard we try. And it's not just that we got back together, God truley changed us. We both prayed together, "God please change me" instead of wanting the other person to change, we prayed that we would change, and become what the other needed, and because we were both open to this divine intervention, it worked. There was a sermon at church a while back for singles about instead of trying to find that perfect person, why not try to be that person and God will bring someone into your life when YOU'RE ready, when you've focused on yourself. Alan is such a different person now than he was in the begining of our relationship, and so am I. We come back and apologize almost instanly when we know we're being crappy, when before we could go weeks without really talking. We are better people, and we have a better relationship only because we put God first in our lives and in our marriage. We pray together, we go to church together, and we let him be in control and we just listen. And this is really the first time I've shared this story with anyone. I didn't know how to tell people close to me who knew our history, and knew how much I disliked him, that suddenly I loved him. I figured if I said God did it, they would look at me like I was crazy and not believe me. ALOT of people were surprised when we said we were getting married all of a sudden, when they knew about our past, and out break-ups and getting back together, and all of that, suddenly we were getting married?! But I didn't know how to share this amazing thing that had happened to us. And I still really don't, but I'm getting better. It's one thing to put it in writing where only a few people can see it, but to go out and tell people and talk about it is another thing. But I'm sure I'll get there. But God didn't stop there either. We pray about everything, he helped my husband find a job that he could enjoy and like, that met our needs, he helped us find a house that fit our budget, in the area we needed, and the space we needed. We have just got done with a bakruptcy on a crappy house we bought back in 2000, and no one even wanted to rent to us until 2 years after the bankruptucy, and we were just about to give up and stay in the house we are in that it really too small for us and too far from our schools and everything else, and we prayed and said if we needed to stay here then we would, but if we could just find a house in the area we needed it would be so much better, and we had just decided to give up and I had this feeling that we really needed to just call this one last house that we had driven past and got the #, and we did and it happened to be an individual not a real estate place who turned us away at the mention of bankruptcy, and he didn't care about it, and we were approved, and we are moving in a few days. And I know without a shadow of a doubt, that it wasnt fate or coincidence, that it was God. And then when we didn't have the deposit $, we prayed, and suddenly God had shifted things around where we had it. And when money was getting really tight recently, and my contract labor job hadn't used me in almost a month, and it became clear that I needed a job, I prayed and said "God I really don't want to go out and get a different job, where this one pays me almost twice min. wage and lets me make my own hours, and another job isn't going to do that, but if I have to then I will. But if you can, I pray that my job gets more orders and more work so I can stay there." and within a few days I got the call I could come back to work, and I've been working 2 1/2 weeks now and I pray every single day that I can stay there and that they have enough work to keep me. And someone else may think its just coincidence, but I can feel God inside of me, and that sounds so weird if you don't know how that feels. But I feel him in my heart, and I know I only have these things because of him, and I thank him every single day, and I know all I have to do is ask and he will do it. It might not be exaclty how I think it should be done, or in the time I think it should be done, but God does it in his way in his time. But that's why it's HIS will be done, not mine. He meets all of our needs, maybe not all of our wants, but if we truly need something, he makes sure one way or another that we have it. And for that, I am truly thankful, and blessed.