Current mood: sad
I have been very nostalgic lately. I've never really been a person that has ever wished to go back and do it all over again, or go back and change anything. Sure, I have regrets of things I probably shouldn't have said or done, but all in all I realize that every heartache and lesson learned has shaped and molded me into who I am today, and I wouldn't change me (well, except for that extra baggage I'm carrying around on my hips and such :)). But I have this desire to go back these days, not to change anything in my own past, but to spend more time with those I've lost along the way, or to help out those who have lost their way. I get nostalgic every now and then anyways, and look at old pictures, look up old friends, and read old diaries, just to remember. But never do I really get sad and melancholy about it. I think this current sadness and desire to go back has a lot to do with a conversation I had with Bourbon's dad recently. We don't talk much at all, mostly small talk in passing when we exchange Bourbon, or the occasional conversation about Bourbon. But I had been thinking about a mutual friend of ours from way back in the day lately and I asked Matt if he still talked to him. He doesn't, but he talks to another friend who does still talk to the friend in question, and he told me just really sad things about our old friend, and how his life is just crumbling around him. And in the same conversation Matt told me about a friend's dog that was still alive, which just melted my heart. This friend, Brad, had Cystic Fibrosis, and he passed away back in 1999. But Brad had this dog, Spud, who was his best friend, who was always around, and knowing that Spud was still alive warmed my heart, but also made it ache. I just longed to wrap my arms around Brad and hug him. I miss him. And I can't help but wonder what his life would be like today had he survived. Which of course makes me think of other friends and loved ones that I have lost along the way, and the desire to have more time with them. And our mutual friend who is having such difficulties right now, I just want to go back and tell him to make better choices, and to change his life then so that he's not facing things now. I haven't even seen this friend since probably 2003, and I still have this need to find him and wrap my arms around him and try to make it better. He probably hasn't given me a thought in eons and would look at me like I was crazy if I did that since it has been so long. But that's just how I am, if I cared about you ever, I am going to care about you always. That doesn't go away for me. I don't have an "off" switch for my feelings for people. Even if I haven't seen or talked to someone in years, I will still care about them just as much as if we had been close only yesterday. I've always been the 'heart on my sleeve' kinda person, which is probably why it always got hurt along the way. I always seemed to care about people much more than they cared about me, which of course hurts. So I am sad, filled with memories of these 2 guys in question, thinking of fun times we had all together. And I miss them. One I can only visit in pictures and memories until I get to join him in heaven one day, and one that I hope I can get in contact with soon and help out in some way.
The Cystic Fibrosis walk-a-thon is in 2 weeks, and I feel horrible because each year I get less and less involved and haven't even so much as registered for it this year. Not only did we lose Brad to CF, but most of you know that I lost my big brother Scott to it as well in 1991 when he was 17 and I was 12. And we also lost my older brother's step-daughter Kasey to it in 1998 when she was 9. So for years and years we were active participants in the walk. I was on committees, entertainment and such. I gathered the entertainers and booked people. Alan was the DJ for about 6 years in a row at the event. I would always gather a team of walkers, raise money, make T-shirts. But I always seem to be so busy, and I feel bad. About 3 years ago, when I was pregnant with Starla, was the last time I was on a committee. The next year we walked and alan DJ'd, and I helped with finding entertainers but didn't have the time to actually be the main person. Last year Alan couldn't be the DJ and we raised money, but we didn't even end up going. This year, they have contacted me a handful of times and I haven't even registered or attempted to raise money. It makes me sad. Because I WANT to help, I want to stay involved, I want to help find a cure. I just can't seem to make the time. It's always mother's day weekend, always the end of the semester. I always have excuses.
I'm just sad.
I wish you were here Brad.......
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment