blah

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

blah
Current mood: working

I feel like all I have been doing the last several days is try to cram as much general studies information into my head for the OSAT. I have been reading about the causes and effects of all the major wars for the past several hours.I have no idea of any of this studying will do any good, but at least it makes me feel like I am doing something to prepare for it, and trying to pass it. Blah.

I went and got caught up reading the updates on Jessica Boone tonight too. She was the teenage girl I mentioned about a month ago that got hurt in the skiing accident in Colorado. Her family just amazes me. They have so much faith, and their relationship with God is amazing. Jessica is doing a little better each day it seems. She has been off the ventilator for a couple weeks now, and moves some on her own. She opens her eyes and watches people, follows them with her eyes. She holds her own head up for short periods of time when propped up. She lifts her hands and knees and holds thing and makes fists. But she still doesn't respond or follow commands on appear to understand anything going on. I just can't imagine. They have been there for 4 weeks now. I don't know if I could be that strong, and that encouraged. They are amazing people.

I have my last day at my observation in the 4th grade class tomorrow. So my last day to visit my Special Ed. class. I'm sad. I will probably go visit them at least one more time before they get out for the year though. My teacher told me there wasn't anything that could be done about the teacher, that we could just pray for her (She knows I am a Christian, and she is too) in hopes that she changes. And again, that teacher isn't a horrible person or a monster or anything. She just makes poor choices in my opinion. I think the kids could be treated better. My teacher did what she could, and let the people know that she could, but she said really that teacher is within her rights to do the things that I have witnessed, and it is just chalked up to ineffective teaching skills. Scary if you ask me. How many other "ineffective" teachers are there out there? In charge of our children?

On one hand I can't wait to be a teacher, and I am so excited. And on another hand, I just want to stay home for a while. My kids are growing up so fast, and they are only going to be young once, and need me so much for a short time in thier lives. I want to focus my time and energy on my family, and my house, and my book, and just life. Not be pulled in 50 directions at all times. Not spend all day and all night doing stuff for school. And I know when I am a teacher I will spend all day teaching and all night preparing to teach or grading, or whatever it is that I need to catch up on. And part of me is ready for that, because it is what I want to do with my life. I want to make a difference in the lives of children, I want to spend my life helping children succeed and realize their potential. But part of me just isn't ready to do it yet. Silly, I know. I fuss and complain that I'm still in school and haven't already graduated and that I should be done with this at the age of 30, but at the same time, I'm not ready to be done and off working. Like most people (I know I'm not the only one!) I went to work at the age of 16 and pretty much have been working since. I've gotten to take off a semester when I gave birth to Starla, but other than that I have either been working or in school (which is work!) or both. And I know that is just part of life, but sometimes I just wish I could just stay home and focus on that for a while. Not school, not work, just my family and my life. And I know that's not really fair though, because Alan works really hard so that I can not work and just go to school, and the plan has always been that I graduate and then he can step back and not work so much so that he can go to school. And then it's not fair to Alan's dad, who helps us out financially, to not go to work and start relying on him less. But I can't help wanting it.

I hate the end of the semester crunch time. Throw a huge certification test in there too, and I'm just overwhelmed.