Teenage angst

Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Teenage angst
Current mood: amused

So my nostalgic state of mind has me reading all of my old poems and diaries. Sometimes it makes me giggle to look back at my mind. I don't think anyone could pay me to go back to being a teenager. I was always so insecure, emotional, naive and idealistic, a hopeless romantic, sad, crazy, full of angst. I wish I could tap back into that passion though sometimes. I haven't written a poem since 2000 (well I think I've written them for people for gifts, but I didn't keep copies, and they weren't writing just for the sake of writing). I want to get back into writing, poems and stories. I want to express myself creatively. But I thought I'd share some of my teenage angst poems while I am at it. I think I wrote these between the ages of 16-18. Enjoy!

Contradiction
hold me close, stay away
I know what I don't have a clue to say
I find myself lost in your eyes
wondering if they are filled with sincere lies
getting too near to be so far
wondering just who you really are
being honest with you while I lie to myself
ironic how much heaven can feel like hell
dreaming of nightmares, desolate yet full
using my depression as a hopeful tool
happy yet sad, hopeful yet hopeless,
here I am, such an organized mess
peaceful chaos takes over my senses
the dirt purifies and the blood rinses
the silence makes my ears ring
I am so sweet that I am mean
talk to me but don't say a word
everything you didn't say, I heard
I fall down as I stand
go away, but hold my hand.


My Fairy Tale
Dance with me on the edge of the moon
rescue me from my balcony soon
look at a star and be reminded of me
look into a fairies eyes and it will be true love that you see
follow the birck road, don't get lost
to buy a dream, there is no cost
hold on to your hopes, don't lose them now
to make then come true you need but ask how
so slay the dragon and ride home to me on your steed
hold me close, you are what I need
be my prince, a loving romeo
I'll never let my fairy tale go.

The Melted Soul
Pain in my heart
dripping with fear
pulling my soul apart
down runs a single tear
rejection, rejection, rejection all around
making me scream inside
making me fall down
blood seeps from the open wound
never to heal again as I lay on my own tomb
screaming, screaming, screaming in agony
running from this disillusion of myself
ripping the blackness from my soul painfully
the darkness of evil penetrates the air
the stench is so strong, death comes without a care
bleeding, bleeding, bleeding away
biting my lip in fear
as I try to stay here
losing the battle against the sadness
I seep down lower as the thoughts in my mind turn to madness
screaming and crying and losing control
the pain in my heart has just melted my soul.

Double Standards
I scream about injustice as I cheated you out of love
I bitch about violence as I turn to you to shove
I say life isn't fair as people are losing theirs
I bitch about pollution as the exhaust fumes from my car fill the air
double standards abd blind ignorance are all around
and I am even guilty of these crimes I have found
why are poeple they way they are?
Why in order to love, must we leave scars?
is life really supposed to be a great big battle field?
or are we here to find wounds to heal?
does anyone have answers to the things that we wonder?
or are they there for us to see among the rain and the thunder?
does God look down on us and laugh at out materialistic lives?
or have we gotten so bad that now he just cries?
do angels whisper the meaning of life into our dense ears?
and we're too worried about money and social standings to hear?
and everyday people lose their shallow lives in vain
never finding the answers and alwasy in pain
why does everyone settle for living this way?
I swear I'm going to change it all one day.

Gone
I draw blood to make sure that I'm real
the pain only means that I can feel
my mind leaps off of the edge of insanity
it floats though, because there is no gravity
sorrows fingers clench around my heart
the taste of reality is much too bitter and tart
I claw out my eyes so I can no longer see
the world is too violent for me
I sit alone in a silent room full of fears
the chaos of peacefulness is all that I can hear
my blood rushes out faster through the hole that I made
my empty life is beginning to fade


ok that's all for now. I get to head to my womanly Dr's appointment, what fun. I promise I wasn't ever really suicidal as a teenager, lol, just 'gothic' and morbid.